rutab says

I'll take a nice trip before I die, so B

You find a heroin dealer and purchase some grade A Heroin...

Unfortunately, people who use drugs don't go to heaven.

You find yourself in Hell.

A) Ask Satan to do you a solid

B) Enjoy eternity being tortured

C) Try and use the power of prayer to bring you to heaven instead

eat sh*t lambert, B

I'll take a nice trip before I die, so B

God leads you to an expanse of open white space, at the center of which is his nonathletic son, Lambert.

“Here is my other son, Lambert, who does not make me proud,” God says, kissing Lambert on the forehead.

“I will leave you with him for one year. If, when I return, you have conditioned him into a skilled athlete like my son Patricia, who is excellent at soccer, then I will show you to the Pope. This is the agreement. I am God."

"Goodbye.”

A) Stay with Lambert and teach him to be good at sports

B) Flip Lambert off and go find the Pope on your own

rutab says

A

“Ah, thank you, Santino,” he says. “You are the best.”

The police officers then get back in their cars and peel away.

Phew.

Seems like you’ve successfully evaded arrest (for now, at least), but you still haven’t found the Pope.

To find the Pope, you’ve got to think like the Pope, and the only other place you can imagine he might be is in Heaven.

So, looks like you’re going to Heaven. How do you want to get there?

A) Shoot yourself in the skull

B) Heroin overdose

C) Have Lenny (a random bystander/escaped convict) take you down to pound town.

A

B, for ironic purposes

rutab says

A, I am an italian wrestler

"Sorry to bother you, Santino, sir, but the man who kidnapped the Pope was recently seen wandering around in this general vicinity,” one of the cops says. “Have you seen him around by any chance?”

A) No I have not seen him, but if I do I will body slam him.

B) I am the guy you are looking for, I was just pretending to be italian wrestler santino morela or w/e

Your plan works perfectly. When you shout “Right!” Patricia immediately dives to the right side of the net, allowing you a wide-open shot on the left. You made a basket!

Humiliated, Patricia begins slamming his head against the soccer field, trying to end his life (which is pretty funny because did I mention the soccer field was made out of clouds?).

God, on the other hand, wants to adopt you as his son.

“I did not believe it was possible to score on my son Patricia, because he is clearly very skilled at the game of soccer,” God tells you. “But, obviously, your skill transcends his."

"I would like to name you my son."

"As my son, I would now like you to help my very nonathletic son, your new brother, Lambert, become more athletic.

"Once you have done this, I will tell you where to find the Pope.”


A) Are you f***ing kidding me?

B) Jesus f***ing christ

B)

A, I am an italian wrestler

The pope doesn't respond, instead he makes a pained expression.

A

C) If I am understanding this situation correctly, you are the Pope, otherwise known as God's vice president?
pope? more like poop. aha

B classic misdirection

rutab says

A, follow him.

You chase the Pope down to the banks of a river, but just as you’re about to catch him he hops into an idling speedboat and speeds off into the sunset, perhaps never to be seen again.

“I am the fast Pope!” you hear him shout from far off in the distance. “You are the slow Pope!”

A) Take a long walk to clear your mind

B) Hang yourself out of frustration

"Aha, the ball is not just any ball. You will be using me."

You square up in front of the ball and get ready to take your shot.

In the goalie box, Patricia does some squats in rapid succession while maintaining intense eye contact with you, obviously an intimidation technique picked up from the angels.

“I can see into the future, and I already know that you will not score on my beloved Patricia,” says God. "Patricia is very skilled at soccer. He practices every day.”

It’s time...what do you want to do?

A) Shoot high and to the left

B) Shoot high and to the left while shouting "Right!" to confuse Patricia.

no sorry u are doing it for the fun exciting european adventure experience. put it on ur resume

A you're going down patricia

“Your impatience incites a quiet rage within me,” says God.

“Hence, I have decided that I will no longer honor the original terms of our deal. If you would like me to reveal the Pope’s location, you must first score a goal on my son Patricia, who, although very skilled on offense, is also a talented goalkeeper.”

A) Give me the damn ball

B) Okay

A, but srsly patricia is good

jack says

A, patricia's a fine young lad

“He is 12 years old. Did I mention that? Twelve years old and he is already as large as a man."

"His large size is part of what makes him so skilled at the game of soccer.”

You continue watching Patricia play soccer for what feels like a decade, and eventually you start to get the sense that if you don’t step up and say something, God will make you keep watching for the rest of your natural life.

A) Listen, I get that Patricia is good and everything, but I need to find the pope.

B) I GET it, take me to see the pope already!!

A, patricia's a fine young lad

“I made this soccer field from one of my rib bones."

"I did it so that patricia could have a safe place to build his skills in the game of soccer."

"My secret wish is that he would one day be skilled enough to play in the Olympics. This would please me greatly.”

A) One heckuva kid you got there, God.

B) *impressed whistling noise*

C) Where the f*ck is pope