i’m glad things are mostly going well for you angel, my cat is part ragdoll and my parents got me her to help with my anxiety as well <3 i hope everything works out for you !!!

My boyfriend and I are still together, and we’re approaching our two year anniversary. It’s crazy to think we’ve been together this long already. He’s great, but other than that, there’s not much else to say. We play Monster Hunter together lately, which is insanely fun. I also have Persona 5, Nier: Automata, Final Fantasy 15, Grand Theft Auto 5, The Last of Us, and Borderlands 2. Feel free to recommend me games you enjoy!

If you’d like to keep in touch with me, my discord is Mary#7026. I do not use Skype much anymore, though I do read the well-wishes messages you guys sometimes send me, though I may not always reply to them on Skype, as they are laggy and I’m often at work. I miss you all so much, and hope you are all doing well! Feel free to ask any questions for things I may have missed or whatnot, I’ll be checking in. (:

In tandem with my mental health, I am getting an emotional support animal tomorrow. She is a 9 week old blue point fitted Ragdoll kitten, a cat I have wanted for 11 years. I remember watching a show late at night in a hotel called Cats 101 when I was 10 years old, a segment on Ragdoll cats. And I fell in love. However, these are expensive cats. They cost anywhere from $800 to $1500, depending on where you get them and what color they are. I have saved up, done months and months of research, and am finally bringing her home tomorrow. Her name is Serena, after Sailor Moon’s English name, or Princess Serenity. This show has always meant a lot to me, and I think it is fitting.

I’ll explain why I chose to get a cat from a breeder, rather than adopt from a shelter. I have adopted six wonderful cats from rescues. Zoe, Oliver, Honey, Opal, Minna, Jack. I love each and every one of them (though I do have my favorite and she rhymes with snack) more than words can say. However, I felt like I needed to do this due multiple reasons. My youngest brother is allergic to cats, something that has just been discovered roughly three years ago. We haven’t had a cat in the household since, but Ragdolls are known to be allergy-friendly breeds, although not hypoallergenic. Another reason was because I plan to register Serena as an emotional support animal, and Ragdolls are known for their long life span and their calm personalities. I plan to adopt more cats in the future, but for now, this is the right choice for me. I have the funds to put into her vet expenses, her food, a cat tree, and anything that may come up. Just thinking about this kitten brightens my day a ridiculous amount. I will try to post pictures of her sometime soon, because she’s the light of my life already.

It’s been awhile.

The last updates I made were regarding my move to the new house, a potential new job, and my impending visit to Washington to see my family and friends. Since my last time here, I have settled in and bought multiple pieces of furniture for my room, including my first large television and bed (even a PS4!) and decorated how I’ve always wanted to decorate a room. I even have succulents in my windowsill. I got the job, and I’m happy with it — I work in the corporate office at a desk, and already received a promotion. It’s my speed, and I don’t dread going to work, and time passes quickly when I’m busy with paperwork and faxes and the like. I went back to Washington, went to an anime convention, ate a lot of food, and took a lot of pictures. I miss my friends dearly, and we talk all day, every day still.

However, not everything has been sunny. My depression and my anxiety has been a new monster I have had to relearn how to deal with, namely the anxiety. I have always been, as I would describe it to my parents, 80% depression and 20% anxiety. Until now, at least. Now, I feel like I’m 80% anxiety and 20% depression, if that even makes sense. I was having two to four full fledged panic attacks a week, the kind that you even feel through your sleep. I went to the doctor, and am on two new medications for my disorders, and thus far they have helped a lot. I’m proud of myself for seeking the help I desperately needed.

hi big sis im glad ur doing well

where da mandarin option!!!!!!!!!!!

yeah i wish you could change the poll too.... honeydew is still robbed

WE LOVE U MARRY

I teared up last night when I saw all the thumbs up and comments from people. I'm so happy and comfortable here, and I'm on my mattress with a hot cocoa and several of my favorite blankets I unpacked today. The house is quiet, I cooked dinner with all of our new pots and pans, and I have a heating pad under me just for the warmth.

The flower shop told me I'd hear back on Sunday if they want a second, in-person interview or not. To my surprise, I got an email this morning asking if Wednesday I could come in. So soon! It's less than ten minutes away, and so I'm looking forward to seeing if this will be a good fit for me. I did tell them on the phone interview that I would need a month off in March to go back home to Washington, and they were even fine with that.

I'm going to watch Sailor Moon and embroider and finish my cocoa now. I'll be actually finishing tags soon, now that I'm in a much better mindset. I wish I could change the poll! It still surprises me that watermelon/raspberry is the winner, and no love for orange/blackberry.

Thank you so much everyone. It feels amazing to know people are wishing the best for me. I appreciate it more than you can ever know, just seeing the little affirmations of support.

that's f**king perfect news, you do deserve a lot

i'm jealous of your gigantic room

I'm happy for you mary!!

thats great! ilu mom

I moved in today, and as expected, the doom and gloom went away instantly. I am so happy that I've been smiling for hours and tearing up. I haven't cried for any reason since I moved, but this almost did it. My room is well-lit, gigantic for someone as small as me, and away from my other family members. I have my own space, my own bed (well, air mattress for now. We're working on the whole furniture thing), and my own floor of the house. I'm in the attic room, with two perfect little windows, about ten outlets, and weird slanted walls.

I'll be working on unpacking the rest of the house with my family over the course of the next week. I also had a phone interview for that flower shop this morning, and it sounds promising. My bed frame (a pretty, faux-leather reupholstered platform bed) arrives tomorrow, though we won't assemble it until I have an actual mattress.

Having full access to my belongings, my clothes, having outlets of my own, having space to roll around on the floor if I really wanted to... I'm giddy and grateful and so excited. It really feels like a dream.

I too moved a lot this year. I counted all the different beds and chairs and A CHAIR IN A GARAGE WHILE WET WITH CHICKEN BLOOD AND OTHER GOOK I slept in and it was 13 or something and for 3 weeks I just had all my stuff in my LUGGAGE and I moved out of places because there was no ROOM and one time I got WOKE up and had to move at THREE AM because the other people came home so I walked out the door and THE CAT slipped out so I had to CHASE A CAT AT 3 am after just waking up and the PERSON who was also there with me was PISSED he had to WAIT for me to find the CAT and I finally CLIMBED INTO A BUSH FULL OF MUD AND MANAGED to grab the cat and GOT HIM BACK INTO THE HOUSE the GUY got even more mad at me BECAUSE I WAS LAUGHING the whole cat incident and after and the luggage had to be SHOVED into the car because it was full of OTHER THINGS but the rest was a nice night I slept then I woke up to crazy people then more crazy people I slept and I woke up continue continue and one day I wasn't with those people and I got to unpack my luggage and good. BEFORE you know it you are typing on your phone in the penthouse you are currently living in overlooking the beautiful Pacific ocean with mirrors surronding you so you can see how HOT I am and I can stare into those mirrors all day long and feel at ease because when I see my face it comforts me so. So. Much. So that's what i did take what you'd like

2019 is my favorite year too!

On from the gloomy stuff. I got a Lush package in the mail, with some buy-one-get-one-free things from their leftover Christmas collection. I thought I'd be in love with the products, but I only really like one of them, which is rare for me to dislike any Lush products period. The shower gel, lotion, and soap just weren't my thing, though I'm keeping them because I did pay for them and I don't exactly have anyone here to gift them to. The one item I did really like, though, was a little glitter sugar dust thing -- kind of like a sweet baby powder that feels soft and soothing, but also glitters. It's very me.

I also got some earrings from a small seller (luvkid on the app Depop, or luvkid on tumblr, though I think they only sell on the app Depop) and they're gorgeous, dangling hearts and roses and pearls and real rose petals encased in resin.

I also bought some embroidery things, like needles and fabric and thread, just to keep myself busy. But I realized to do that, I need adequate light, so... I have to wait on that.

That's my update in total. More of the same, so I'll update again when I'm actually in the new house (which could be in 2019, for the pace we're moving at).

TW: suicide, depression, self harm, eating disorders

When I was thirteen, after the cutting didn't really help, I started starving myself. This lasted for nearly a year, and although I lost no weight, my stomach got used to eating so little. So now, because of this unhealthy relationship with food I've been harboring forever, one that never went away, not only do I have a very limited intake of what I do eat, anything that I mentally reject, I usually cannot eat. It gets stuck in my throat and I feel nauseous and a myriad of other things.

I know this update has just been me complaining, but this is the only outlet that I can say exactly what I mean, without another party butting in until I'm completely done, or me editing myself based on the other person, or being offered advice or help. I don't want advice or help. I know this will pass, and I'll be okay, and to please not hurt myself, and to please eat, and everyone is there if I need to talk. I really know.

I also know maybe I shouldn't be posting such personal things to a website that isn't built for my random mental illnesses or whathaveyou. But this is what I feel is helping me, and no one has to read this if they don't want to. It's a long text wall full of me crying about my problems, but it's my long text wall, and you can think what you want about it. Thanks for reading it at all though, because it helps me feel like someone are least heard me out.

TW: suicide, depression, self harm, eating disorders

However, because we are always "almost moved in" or "we'll be in the new house tomorrow," we haven't been getting groceries, which I've been asking to do daily. For reference, there are six people in this house. My grandmother and two brothers are the pickiest eaters in the world. Anything green they will not touch, and anything with spice, and anything slightly foreign -- anything you wouldn't find on the Red Robin's menu, for example, they will not put in their mouth. My mother is a drug abuser. I won't get into what she uses (it's nothing deadly or even highly addictive, but it is illegal, and she has been evaluated and admitted once to rehab. That's another story) but because of it, she is also a picky eater, but in another way. She will only eat bagged, already-popped popcorn. That's it. That, and gatorade/powerade. She sleeps constantly because this obviously gives her no energy, and when confronted about it, she is a monster. My dad is essentially a trash compactor, and will eat anything in front of him. And that leaves me left.

Because my dad will eat anything, and the majority of the house are the junk food picky eaters, that's what we have in the house. Boxed macaroni, frozen hamburgers, hot dogs, chicken nuggets. A lot of meat, a lot of processed food... things I hate to eat for multiple reasons. I so, so badly want to go vegetarian, and when I voice these things, I am barked at. I understand it's a difficult time to be so choosy about what I eat. I know this will likely be completely fine once we move in. But for days now, I've been starving because I won't bring myself to eat something I know is going to sit in my stomach like a rock and make me cry.

TW: suicide, depression, self harm, eating disorders

So that leaves me in this room. I wanted to unpack my things into the 3 dresser drawers that my mom cleared out for me to put my clothes and other belongings, but the first week I got here (nearly four weeks ago now) they said not to, we'd be moved in at the new house at the end of the week.

And that's how it's been. Living with only a few belongings (my laptop, my phone, personal hygiene products, my kindle, a few other small nondescript things) and constantly, constantly being let down. And I know I'm not 'alone' and that people are more than happy to listen to me ramble, and comfort me, and whatnot online. I have my two best friends from Washington on Skype, and I have my boyfriend. I have everyone I've met on this site, and on others.

But it's still not comparable at all to me. They really can't help me because even after a vent session, or a video game with company, I feel angry, and tired, and so frustrated and pent-up and full of despair. I know it's temporary, and I won't be doing anything drastic, and haven't thus far.

TW: suicide, depression, self harm, eating disorders

I am not doing good recently.

Our move-in date is constantly only days away, only to get pushed back by some, usually frivolous or avoidable, reason. We were supposed to move in two weeks ago -- last week -- a few days ago -- today. Now the steam cleaner we need to do the carpets is a day late, so we're moving in tomorrow, though probably not, in all likeliness.

I am more depressed than I have been in years, but it's situational -- my depression is actually quite managable lately, as in this past year. But the weight of being stuck in the same corner of this dark, dark house day in and day out, with the 'end date' constantly being yanked back away from your grasp, makes me want to actually kill myself.

And maybe that's the combination of not being medicated any longer for chronic manic depression and panic anxiety, my period about to start, and of course my surroundings, but I truly feel the urges to do drastic things. When I was twelve (for reference, I am twenty now) I took to cutting when I first was dealing with depression. I know most people who self harm don't do it for the attention, they do it for the release, or something else. But I definitely self harmed to get someone, anyone, to pay attention to me.

And that's what I'm feeling again. I have no means to get out of the house -- even to go on a walk, because the area I'm in right now is very dangerous, especially for someone like me (small, female, physically disabled and unable to run). My dad is constantly working on the house to get it ready, bless him. My mom sleeps all day, spends all of our money, or is working. My grandmother is racist and homophobic and I'd rather not spend any time with her.

Hi! How is mary doing... today :)

Back to the job... thing. The reason why I want a job so urgently is that I'm going back to Washington around March 8th or so, give or take. I have a concert that I bought tickets to ages ago (to see Lorde) on March 10th, and when I found out we were moving, I told my parents that, fine, I'll go with no big fuss, but they needed to fly me back for that. They're paying for the flight there and back just fine, but another big plan I had for March 30th was an anime convention. Which may cause some of you to roll your eyes, and some of you to be interested, hit and miss. But I went to my first-ever real anime convention last year in Seattle with my two close friends and it was one of the greatest things I've ever done/gone to. I cosplayed Ariel from the Little Mermaid, as some of you who have been in ORGs with me know, and I went all out and had a blast. I'm going again, already have my cosplay bought, but I need funds to actually pay for the hotel, pay for my month staying back home in Washington, pay for knick knacks I bring home, etc. That'll be quite a few hundred dollars I need to save up, on top of decorating my room here. That is my number one goal right now: get a job, save up money, visit home for a month. And it's keeping me going just fine.

That is a pretty well-rounded update for now. I made so much food this past week, including a homemade chicken noodle soup from scratch I made at 10am this morning so I wouldn't have to make lunch/dinner. I also am looking forward to a The Sims 4 update that drops at midnight tonight, as well as League of Legends ranked Season 8.

Thank you all by the way for reading, and leaving me nice little messages. It means a lot to come back and check this forum and see my friends, even if we don't speak much or at all, commenting they like to read this, or for me to feel better, or what have you. If you haven't noticed already, I thumbs up the comment when I've read it.

This has concluded the nerd part of me update.

I was actually about to mention this anyway! My favorite flower is a tie between peonies and lavender. I already have my quite large tattoo of a peony across my sternum/upper ribcage. The peony is so beautiful to me, more open and bigger than a rose, and the rosy and peachy colors of a peony are very attractive to me. In the language of flowers (which is just a nerdy little book I have, it's also online), peony is the flower of anger. I grew up with a lot of bitten back rage in my chest, I feel, so I got the tattoo on top of my ribcage/protecting my lungs as if 'I breathe anger' or something similar. It's a dainty tattoo that serves as a personal warning sign. The tattoo also has little yew berries surrounding the flower, which are poisonous but pretty, which is something I aspire to be to the people who wrong me.

My next tattoo is going to be of lavender, probably a few sprigs down the back of my calf. My grandmother raised me, and the scent of everything in the house, from the soap to the laundry detergent to the little Bath and Body Works nighttime pillow spray she'd use on the bed was lavender. Her kitchen little tiles also had images of little lavender sprigs on them. The flower means a lot to me just because of her, and because I think it's beautiful, and it is by far my favorite scent.

When I lived in Washington, I never got to indulge in that love, though. For those of you who don't know, Washington is beautiful, full of trees and vegetation and wildlife. It's green and gorgeous... but it's also always wet, dreary and dark. Because of the tall evergreens literally everywhere (at least where I had lived my entire life), they cast shadows and loom over everything. The sun is rarely out, save for a few months in the summer. Usually it's behind clouds, overcast constantly. And then there's the constant rain, which makes you just want to stay inside. But here there's very little tall trees, the sun is almost always out, and it doesn't rain as often. Which has been the best part of moving for me, is the weather. I love Washington, and even the weather, but the sun and nature is something I've always wanted to connect with (especially being a Wiccan, but I'll touch on that another time) but never really got to.

Working at the flower shop would mean getting to be near and learn about and work with flowers, ferns, succulents, and all of the other plants they have. There's also obviously an employee discount. In my new attic room, there's two quite big windows that let in the majority of the room's light, and I'd love to have little plants set up there eventually. It's very early to be so whimsically dreaming about the job, and I'll see if I get an interview if it's everything I chalk it up to be in my head, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to it. I have a tattoo of peonies and berries across my sternum for crying out loud!