I started when you started banging Mime on the side. No Apparently, nothing. I want to do research in artificial intelligence. I am intensely interested in the future of humanity and existential risk, I am interested in questions like that of the experience machine, and above all I am interested in questions of consciousness. I believe AI is the field to go with to explore these questions.
If I could pick anything to do additionally, it would be to play Chess or Go at a professional level. AI is more important but I would consider that a lot of fun, plain and simple. That and I'd be getting a very, very late start on those.
you know i think heath ledger committed a sort of suicide of that kinda inner turmoil i just described. as if he let the monster swallow him up with the joker, then killed it. seems a real piece of art of a suicide to me anyway.
and i think a lot of people who go into the military get much the same thing. it's as if to control that so wicked side in them, they go looking to die an honourable death in it, sort of a compromise on it
i have this aunt, and i love her tbh, she's a legend, clever af, and laughing, and just sort of i dunno, she was sort of a rock for me growing up, very self-aware and sees very clearly too, we'd have these family get-togethers and everyone else would be playing their silly games, acting out their ingrained childishness, and she always just seemed above it, maybe as if she had real answers. and she was a teacher in my primary school too, and she'd been there the first time i got a box into the mouth lol...i came crying into the car to go home with her, and she just looked at me like 'yes?' as if no answers here, that was up to me lol
but i visited her there recently and sat down with her a while talking about nothing really, making noise. but it was the IRA, she'd been up to this granduncle of mine's 80th and that part of the country is rabid IRA where mine isn't. so she was telling me about all this, and i was interested. and then i got to asking her, well, she'd been old enough during the troubles, right? hadn't it stirred up anything in her? how's it she had no IRA sentiment? and 'it was another world' she told me, it didn't affect her...
but she sat looking at me for a time after that, then she comes out with this story. she'd been teaching above in this place close to the north around the time of the troubles, and whatever happened anyway, some trouble, and buses were cancelled for the weekend, so she'd to stay above there. and then she says to me 'and it was the most boring fcking place'.....and she's looking at me like 'you little murderer' lol....a real knowing smile on her face... she gets it lol.
and i have love in me too. i have two brothers and a sort of half-sister, and i'd give my life for each of them. they just mean more to me than i myself do. but, see, it's these fcking unspeakable things. what is that love? like a warm fire when it's cold outside, nothing more really. there's no sense to it. no reason. is it good? no clue. but my brothers' and sister's sorrows will break my heart, and i'll see their sorrows in others, and that's empathy. and empathy is almost an accident. nobody cares about anything only the pain they relate to. of themselves or of their loved ones. and the whole rest of the world can go to hell. but then you're this mix of a thing that's just....you end up just selfishness gone wrong. lol it's a joke really. love works like a fcking computer virus or something, you get it into your head in some little way, and it swallows up everything, would love everything. 'all love is an echo', adorno said. but it isn't an echo, it's this roaring fcking thing. it's a forest fire that you'll get caught up in and burned alive in. what am i? seriously? am i good or evil? sometimes i'd like to just forget everyone, get in my car and drive as fcking fast as i can endlessly till i crash and die. and if not that, i have no idea what life to live. fcking tigers in love, man. lol. that's all anyone is. we tell ourselves such lies. you ever see those tibetan monks setting fire to themselves in protest? as if to burn up all in them that has no right. crazy.
there's this french poet rimbaud. he has this line, 'but the problem is to make the soul into a monster'. it's the sort of line that falls into nowhere in me. that same place i leave for only god to know the truth of. honestly, i have such wicked things in me it's frightening. and i have done such wicked things it's frightening. and then at the same time it's all sorts of glorious. sometimes i get murder into my heart and it puts a smile on my face that could clear the clouds, make the sun smile in return. it's as if this sort of unbound evil tbqh, it doesn't care for what's going on in my life, it's pure power, hindered by nothing, release. and sometimes someone will do me wrong, and i'll go through sadness and anger and on into something else - revelry, close as i can tell - and it's just pure thrill, to live and die, you know, it's like that scene in 'life of pi', the man stuck out in the boat with the tiger...the tiger doesn't think of victory, of what's next, of happy endings, it's just so very alive, and solitary, life amidst death, and that's it. and you will do things when you get like that that cannot be forgotten, cannot be swept under the rug, cannot be talked around. you'll try to think you're a good person, and then you'll look in the mirror, and there's something laughing at you there. and sometimes you just wish you could laugh with it. forever.
i'm going to hijack your thread a moment, empire, do forgive me. maybe you'll learn something from it tho
i have no real certain idea of who i am. i just know there's something deeply wrong in me. and so i kneel down to pray every night before i sleep, and i'll recite some few prayers. and then afterwards, to begin with, i had always tried to say some few personal words, just of who i am. but it always sounded like bullsht. and so these days i say nothing. i'll stay there, knelt by the bed, and just sort of be nothing for a while, quiet my mind of its contradictions, and maybe god sees the thing i am.
i know it has a sort of cult following as a 'man's movie', and that might seem to make less of it, put it on a level with drinking beer and watching sports or some sht. but i actually can't think of a more profoundly artful movie, of any other that might speak to such a huge group of people. it has more of the human soul in it than any other movie i've seen, essentially. do you know what it's about? your whole 'competitor' reel plays into it nicely
The third is eccentric. I love to think of myself as all business sometimes, as an around the clock competitor, but that's not true as much as I wish it was. The truth is I love to be out there. I'm wacky, I'm fun, I do things that I think are wild or humorous and love to push boundaries. A common quote I get is "If anybody else did this I would think it was weird but for some reason if you do it it's fine". I've nearly been killed by a 10ft inflatable banana, I've been tackled by the Secret Service, I yelled at my fraternity pledgemaster for not hazing us hard enough. I cross boundaries when hitting on my friends almost around the clock and love to be obscene. I may be relentless in pursuing my goals, I may be overly nostalgic and romantic when reliving moments past, but I'm also just one of the biggest clowns you'll ever meet
This implies there's things you want to ask me in a private setting in which case I'm confused as to why you have not done so. This is a really good question, one that's really hard to answer and requires a lot of thought. The truth is it all blends together so much that it's hard to create divisions like that. I feel there is no other way to do it than past, present, and future, but that's somewhat of a cop out so I won't.
The first is dreams. I'm a dreamer, plain and simple, bigger than anyone else I know. I've got the ambition, I've got the fire, I've got the goals I want to fulfill no matter what. I will give everything-all of my energy, all of my spirit, all of my everything-to make them come true. It also makes me a born competitor.
The second is retrospective. Despite my dreams, I feel like I am always living in the past. It's often a contradiction. I described to you once that I didn't have time to look back, that I would never do so again. The opposite is true. I spend more and more time reflecting on my past every day. It's made me question who I am a lot-I no longer believe that it is me that I am looking at when I look back into the past. It makes me more interested in other people, it makes me more empathetic, it makes my understanding of myself turn over again and again, it makes me so happy because I've had such a great life, taking joy in even the saddest moments..
There's no question I'd like to ask you that's appropriate for a public forum. But you asked me to ask you so, I will.
What are 3 things that describe who you are? Like, if you were summarize past/present/future Tyler in physical characteristic, traits, personality, goals, or things you do for other people or whatever it is, what would they be?!
