You run away, but realise your GAY AF

1. Hide in cupboard

2. Tell your parents

3. Write a book

4. Follow your dreams

5. Try and convince your brain youre straight

His reaction was violent, to say the least. He sprang from his bed, without his bedsheets, naked as the wind. In a naked and mad fury, he reached for the knife that you had laid to his side when preparing his steak and eggs breakfast. He shouts at you, threatens to kill you, for encroaching on his space, for assaulting him, and for poisoning him. He is completely mad, and because of his former training, he knows how to use that knife better than you. How must you react?

1. Fight for your life, and defeat your former lover.
2. Fight for your life, but die to your former lover.
3. Reason with him, and explain the situation.
4. Run away like the coward you are.

1. Your husband was always with you through the finest times and the tumultuous times. Through heaven and hell the two of you have persevered together, have weeped together, and more importantly, have overcome together. When all's seemed lost, you need only to look into his beard, how scruffy and well combed it was, you need only to look into his eyes, how perfect and starry they were, to feel reinvigorated with all the happiness and good-feelings there is to be found in this world. You were like two tetris pieces that fit together perfectly, literally.

When these actions befell him, you knew how to react. You tracked down the Arsonist, and burned him alive instead. You braved through a descent into madness and killed Cthulhu himself, without becoming insane. You spent a month researching the poison and discovered, through gene therapy, the long sought cure to the poison. After administering this cure to your lover, his sickly face returns with color, and his lips once again become supple to the touch.

But you could not find a way to fix his mind, which was wrought with the sight of the Ancient One. When he finally came too, healthy and non-slippery, he was not the starry eyed moon of your life. He was but an enigma, a caricature of his former pride. But you did not know this. You saw only your better half, and overcome with joy and ecstasy, you did what you knew best, you ran at him, reaching for an embrace. But as with all divine tragedies come, he did not reciprocate, but rather, he retaliated. He did not know of you or your prior acquaintance.

3. You run away from your problems and everyone you've ever known and choose to live in a small village outside of Siberia.

*12 Years Pass*

Your husband is sick with an unknown disease. The town doctor says it's a poison, also oil, and possibly he's thulu'd. Only you can cure him.

Do you:

1. Force doc to cure poison?
2. Search for Arsonist in a race against time?
3. Mason your husband to cure thulu?
4. Realize that death is inevitable and your own immortality will eventually force you to lose everyone you love?

WAIT WAIT WAIT! I FORGOT HE HAD REGENERATION ABILITIES!

? But I lied, there was no end, the previous Writer was just fired so I was hired to retcon his silliness. And in my retconning, I have decided to retcon only the last event of the protagonist's life. He gets shot in the face, but does not succumb to his wounds. Instead, he is brought to a local hospital, and though he is badly wounded, he is rebuilt anew. A cybernetic implant is created for the portion of his face that he lost, and genetic improvements are made elsewhere in his body. His non-essential memories are to be back cataloged, only accessible when under extreme duress. Instead, he shall be given a new life and a new view of it and everything in regards to it. He shall become a warrior of justice, and he shall be the arm of the Mayor in his goal to purge this city of crime.

As this city's new instrument of judgement, you are sent to a rowdy and contentious apartment block to apprehend the leader of a drug ring, named MaMa. To help you is a new recruit to the force, a psychic, named Anderson. This block is notoriously dangerous for its crime, as not a week ago, 3 peoples, whose skin was removed from their bodies, were found to have been dropped from the top story to their deaths, all while high under the new dangerous drug, "Slo-mo". Your mission: to capture MaMa and destroy the production of the drug before it spreads and corrupts the rest of the city.

How do you proceed?

1. Take an elevator up to the top floor, where MaMa is at.
2. Slowly work your way up to the top floor, with events from the 2012 movie "Dredd", taking place in an eerily similar fashion.
3. Run away because even though you're RoboDredd, you're still a coward at heart.

2. You tell them that you are Neo and you will mess them up if they shoot you. So they shoot you in your face just like you shot the cowardly lion. You don't get an open casket funeral, no, you get a closed casket because that's how the government rolls. But right before the bullet smashes into your skull, you swear you could see a light behind the man who shot you... It looked like Jesus... Jesus was flipping you off. The end.

3) Sit in front of Area 51 and let them decide what to do with you.

The highly trained army men guarding the entrance to Area 51 are stupefied by the fact that someone would be of such idiocy and sit in front of a highly-restricted governmental area. Two of twenty army men come close, pointing their Knights SR-25 rifles straight at your head, and question you about how did you come here and what is your purpose. The rest of the army men surrounded you in a circle. You have nowhere to go. You reflect your decision in just sitting.

1. You tell them you are the 13th Doctor. It all makes sense; you regenerated many times on Earth and have gone to impossible places. You say your TARDIS is hidden inside and you have the key, and if they don't believe you, you will say that the UNIT password is buffalo; and you're saying this because you used the password to send a missile hurling straight towards the base. (But you're not really the 13th Doctor.)

2. You tell them your name is Neo and could jump into the air, dodging every bullet in slow motion, and take one of the army men's gun and shoot everybody on sight. (But you're not really Neo.)

3. You tell them your name is SquidGirl and you will downvote every comment they will ever post on EpicMafia. (But you're not really SquidGirl.)

2. You remember of course that gun in your pocket, that you just happened to have for no particular reason when you resurrected. You pull it out and level it to his face. Even the almighty Thor understands what's happening as he barrels towards you, hammer aimed high. He isn't quick enough to react to or manipulate the dark energies as you pull the trigger. His face registers that this is the end of him, his life flashing before his eyes. He knew he should've traded that hammer for an assault rifle ages ago, but he likes to stick to his conventional ways.

BAM the bullet hits Thor dead center in the face. One thing you didnt know were the bullets are the exploding shrapnel kind, so Thor's head explodes with his brain guts going everywhere. Gross. You take in your surroundings, not exactly sure of what country you're in now. You are in the middle of nowhere, a dessert like land. Sand and some plants here and there, but definitely nowhere near civilization. Of course the Gods would cast you down here, how else would they explain Thor with a giant hammer ready to pummel someone into the dirt. As you begin to wander west, towards the setting sun, you notice and eagle flying high. You begin to follow a bit where the eagle is going, and suddenly a huge infrastructure is in the distance. As you near the gate you notice a few signs "Turn Back, Government Property" "Trespassers will be either handled or killed on site". Sudden realization dawns upon you, you have found Area 51, a legend that is said to hold all of the governments best kept secrets. Everything from intergalactic evidence, to mutations, and to government ploys on the people.

1) Try to find a way to enter into Area 51
2) Turn around, you are not ready to die again.
3) Sit in front of Area 51 and let them decide what to do with you.

But this was not to be. The magick of the Heavens were powerful and when you approached the gates, it reacted to your dark energies and casted you down back to the living world, once again. When you awake with the knowledge of what has transpired, you shout in a deafening agony and curse the Gods for once again, besting you.

But the Gods are merciful. In their respite, they have decided to give you a final punishment. They've sent a great warrior, the dark demon Thor, to best you in single combat! Armed with his great dark hammer, Mjolnir, he is able to control dark energies, both in his environment and in peoples (like yourself) to aid him in combat. How do you best him?

1. Remember the martial arts training you were given from watching Jackie Chan movies and best him thus.
2. Pull out your gun and fire at him!
3. Run away like a coward.

2. Before your days spent playing EM, you were something greater than what destiny had set you out to be. Born in poverty and molded by mediocrity, to be the same as you were born would've been an accomplishment worth heralding in itself, but you were more than that. You took the predetermined path set to you by the Gods, smashed in two, and turned what remained into the great future you would make for yourself. You went from nothing to become something.

But then, on one particular day, you received a grim reminder; one cannot best fate. The Gods looked at your treachery and paid it back ten fold. They sent men of dark to pillage and ravish your town, they burnt your home to the ground and humiliated your family, both in this life and the next. They took all of the work you've put into your future and corrected your story to one more similar to what they had originally intended.

So your duty at this junction was clear. You would enter Heaven and punish the Gods for their crimes. You would slaughter and deface all the Gods before you, and before you were to do Lucid, the all-father in, you would say to him, "Hello, my name is Kratos, you killed my family, prepare to die."

Bah. *falls off of

1. Out of seething rage, you punch James so hard in his face, that he drops the key to the gate on the floor and falls out of the clouds of heaven! God looks at you with a face of disappointment. He dictates Matthew 6:14-15: "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." After hearing this, what do you do?

1) Go to the nearby Heaven church outside the gates and repent to Jesus Christ.
2) Take the key and open the gates to Heaven and wreck havoc.
3) Take the stairs back to Earth and look at your dead foe who has perished to his death.

2) You decide to take up God's offer and go to Heaven. On your way up it feels like you're trippin balls. Anyways, when you reach the Heaven a gate blocks your path. Archangel Peter or whoever the fuk has the key to the gate. As soon as you see him you do a double take. HE LOOKS LIKE THAT KID JAMES THAT BULLIED YOU IN THE FOURTH GRADE! You are so welled up with anger that you:

1. Punch Peter in his face and take the key to unlock the gate
2. Turn the F around and go back to Earth

2. You give the man the $100 dollar bill. You swore you would change your life around! Turns out the homeless man was in face God, and since you had kept your promise he is offering you entrance into heaven and leave this world behind.

1) tell him to shove it and that you live your own life

2) go to heaven and explore

3) punch him

3) You've been stressed and need to blow off some steam, so you decide to go explore Central Park and maybe punch a hooker or two. While you're staring at the fountain that was turned off just ten minutes ago, you feel a tap on your shoulder. You turn around and you find yourself face to face with a crippled man with only one leg who is leaning on his crutch. You stare at his weathered face when he asks you for a some cash, considering the fact that you recently found a $100 on the ground, you:

1. Say "Sorry, I don't have any change."
2. Give him the $100 bill and decide to cry about it later
3. Steal his crutch and run away

3. You decide to go outside where it has become dark. Here in limbo when you look at the stars they are more magnified, even the streetlights cannot dull their brightness. As you lay there and gaze at the cosmos you contemplate the things you have done. Why did you put laxitives in chris and luaps drinks, why did you have to kill the cowardly lion. You begin to realize that just because you are known to be a flawed human being doesnt mean you have to BE flawed. You decide that it is time to change your ways, as this thought forms there is a bright green light coming from the stars moving at jet speed towards you. It slows in front of you and you realize this is the Sword of the Aesir. As you wrap your hands around the hilt there is a blindng flash. You wake up in new york city! You notice life isnt the bleakful color it was in limbo, you have been resurrected! However, you have lost the sword. You decide...

1) To go see a broadway play since you found $100 on the ground
2) Talk to the police force and see if anything fishy has been happening around the city
3) Explore central park

(This is so fun!!!!!)

here is page 1 of the terrible text adventure in the form of lines
http://i.imgur.com/VprzLYT.png

2. The hunger in you is too strong, it rips at your innards and ravishes your mind. You are hungry. There is nothing else in this life or the next that concerns you, that even remotely matters to you, other than that. You must be sated. Ants or not, you've earned this chocolate glazed donut, and you will very well consume it as the hunger had consumed you. Besides, ants means protein for a meal empty with it, making the donut a properly balanced meal.

After finishing your donut, you contemplate your next move.

1. Go to bed and regain your energies.
2. Continue the hunt for Lucid, the all-father, this time for revenge.
3. Contemplate about life under the stars (gain an item, the Sword of the Aesir).

As you wonder which donut to choose, you're grateful for what seems to be the easiest decision you've made in hours. It's been a long day.

1) Chocolate glazed.

You're favourite choice, you relax as you take a bite in- OH MY GOD THERE ARE ANTS IN IT

1) Scream and drop the donut
2) Carry on eating
3) Throw on the corpses

3) After you're done murdering all the employees, you help yourself to a donut, the donut you choose is:

1. Chocolate glazed
2. That glazed one with the apple filling
3. The plain one that looks suspiciously like a bagel

3. You sneak around the restaurant, taking out employees left and right, and none seem to be the wiser. After twenty minutes you have successfully killed every employee. Surrounded by mountains of dead bodies covered in toasted bagels, you:

1. Sleep on the dead body/bagel mountains.
2. Try to find the restaurant's safe.
3. Make yourself dinner.

1. You attempt to maneuver your copter so that the missile flies by, which it does. Unfortunately for you it is a heat-seeking missile, executing a flawless 10/10 midair 180 and violating your helicopter's anus. You somehow survive the explosion, and regain consciousness cold, alone, and broke again. You have one thing going for you though - Lucid now believes you dead for good. You have the element of surprise. Lucid has underestimated you for the last time.

You're down on your luck, so you could use a pickup. You think to yourself that it's been far too long since you killed a hooker. Err...since you had a good lay.* You head to MainLobby, the dirtiest of the dirty strip clubs where you know that no one will miss one nasty little wench. Err...where you know that the girls put out.* However, when you arrive you learn that MainLobby has been bought out and turned into a Tim Horton's. This brings on an intense flashback to your days in the U.S. - Canadian War, where you saw so many of your closest friends murdered at the hands of the beady-eyed bazterds. In a fit of rage, you:

1. Spontaneously combust
2. Turn into a Super Saiyan and launch a spirit bomb at Tim Horton's
3. Become Rambo, stalking around the restaurant, taking out the employees one by one until none remain, hiding their corpses underneath toasted bagels.

ninja'd again, amazing