Hoob, the owner of Games Lobby since December 4th 1972, is a well-known and much-loved member of the EpicMafia community. But ever since the Eggs scandal of 2014 many disturbing, unnerving, and sinister facts about Hoob have been unearthed.
In 2003 a hydrologist summer camp based in Maine took out a loan of 573,000 dollars signed "Hoob's your daddy." The man who took out this loan, Renaldo Grenaldo, was a fourth-generation American of Italian and Spanish background. That summer of 2003 he visited his uncle in Barcelona. Four months later his uncle founded one of the wealthiest businesses in Europe: The World Wrestling Entertainment, Incorporated. (Source: http://i.imgur.com/g7yrcI5.gif)
This embezzlement was overlooked by the western media but a paper trail was still generated by an Indonesian mining firm called Ekrue. Ekrue's attorneys had been working with Dr. Grenaldo and his team on cold fusion and its effects on simian cognition. In 2005, Ekrue's entire cabinet of spider monkeys died of an illness classified as "four-finger flue" by the CCD, named after the crippling symptom of the disease, wherein the four fingers of the monkey's left hand would be paralyzed for 48 hours before being left in a violent, twitching state. All thirty-five of the monkeys Ekrue had died except for two that had disappeared at the same time the hydrologist camp ended their relations with Ekrue: a breeding pair, the male named Bambu and the female Katherine. (Source: http://www.realclearpolitics.com/epolls/2004/president/us/general_election_bush_vs_kerry-939.html)
These monkeys later turned up in Detroit, Iowa during a drug bust downtown in 2007. Katherine and Bambu had advanced to the point so that they could speak, use complex tools, and even communicate with others on the internet. Bambu shot Katherine and two police officers before ending his own life. The computer self-destructed, but a screen print revealed that they were in contact with someone named "Hoob" whose IP was traced back to San Francisco.
Immediately, it becomes clear that the cold fusion experiments had killed the other primates, but somehow Bambu and Katherine survived the tests and hyper-evolved. However, the connection back to Hoob was obscured. The police investigated the IP address and discovered a Philip J. Wang living in the home connected to it. Dr. Wang explained that 10 months prior to the investigation he had a flatmate by the name of Hartley, who previously worked at Ekrue. Hartley was allegedly born and raised in Detroit, Iowa, and told Wang when she moved out she was going to visit family.
A first name wasn't much for the police to go off of, but the investigation persisted. Police uncovered facts and history about Detroit, discovering that it was founded in 1963 by Hungarian immigrants. One of the founders was named Hartley Gabris. She was the first mayor and had helped build the church, school and town hall of the city. The case became stranger when a detective uncovered this photograph in the city park: http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/c/c3/MCQ-cloudcity.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20100514134205
In the foreground is clearly the getaway car of none other than Francisco Capone, famous 1974 midwest gangster who used to pedal beer bongs in dry counties. Capone disappeared in 1983 after the release of Return of the Jedi and at the time police thought he was gone, but little did they know he had turned back up in Barcelona.
In 2014 games lobby owner Hoob had attempted a hit and run wherein he tried to steal a carton of eggs from four young children that attended the Beijing Academy for Bad Eggs. This incident from then on was known as the Eggs scandal and went down in history as one of the worst gaffes to ever strike a politician. (Source: https://www.theguardian.com/science/2003/jul/03/research.science)
But what kind of eggs were the eggs Hoob was trying to steal? Investigation by the FBI revealed that they were not eggs, but artificial wombs containing frozen spider monkey embryos. DNA tests revealed that these embryos were the children of Bambu and Katherine, connecting Hoob back to the Hydrologists definitively.
In december of 2015 the WWE announced their biggest event yet: Super Slap 1999, pitting their greatest champions against one another. Yet there was a contestant shrouded in mystery, a contestant known only by the name of "Hoob." Could it have been our beloved Hoob? I think not, and here's why.
The name Hoob traces back to the Proto-Uralic word for "Old Dweller" or "Pre-Man." The Carpathian basin was discovered in 1999 to have once been inhabited by a race of proto-hominins. Great obsidian spires and lava tubes have revealed networks of cities underneath the Hungarian savannah. Initially, nothing was thought of, until the detectives looked back to the name of the church in Detroit: Hoob Church for All Souls.
Now it is clear to us: Hoob is a name carried throughout these cultists stemming from Hungary, the cultists that have attempted to recreate their old gods through breeding and quantum physics programs. Our games lobby owner is just another mastermind behind this whole program, and we've finally caught him before he could unleash his man-monkey overlord onto the stainless steel wrestling cage.