Here I make absurd predictions based on my bias towards the sharks and hate for the canucks. Please complain. Also this is just to see how accurate I am and sometimes post random things like "imagine being Auston Matthews and having a record breaking debut game only to lose in OT because your team can't score without you"

Atlantic:
MON
TBL
FLA
BOS
OTT
DET
TOR
BUF

Detroit not making the playoffs???? Absurd! Anyway the bottom 4 for this is really difficult because of the variables. Ottawa is one of those huge variables, where you see games where they play solidly and games where they play like trash. Montreal has good defense plus Price, Tampa Bay comes close to Montreal in points, and Florida/Boston compete for a division spot which Florida wins, right on Jagr's 106th birthday.

Metro:
WSH
PIT
PHI
NJD
NYI
NYR
CAR
CBJ

Tbf I follow the west more but let's be real, Washington is winning the presidents again. Pittsburgh can drop if Crosby's concussion is really bad but they make the playoffs regardless. Columbus passed up on Puljiwhatever lmfao idiots. Jersey competes with Ottawa for a wildcard spot which I think they take. All hail Taylor Hall, prove those Edmonton naysayers wrong! Rangers collapse, Philly is getting better and makes the playoffs.

Montreal beats Boston, Tampa crushes Florida, Tampa then goes on to beat Montreal.
Washington plays Jersey and wins, Pittsburgh beats Philly, Washington manages to beat Pit just like I predicted last yea-oh wait. But this time for sure! Then Stamkos crushes poor Ovechkins dreams.

Central:
STL
NSH
CHI
DAL
MIN
WIN
COL

Tough division. Dallas scores the most amount of goals but also lets in the most and makes the wildcard, just beating out the Wild, who wouldn't have made the playoffs had it not been for Budreau or whatever his name is. Chicago is overrated and falling apart and Kane gets arrested. Nashville and STL compete for the division but ultimately STL wins it, who win the west.

Pacific:
SJS
LAK
EDM
ARI
ANA
CAL
VAN

Why is Ana so low? Oh wait sorry they suck. Sharks/kings is a tossup. McJesus brings Edmonton to the playoffs, and Vancouver have an even worse season (remember, the Sedins + Eriksson are 1 line and only 1 line and they can't even be switched up lmao). Calgary starts off okay but then nosedives. Arizona starts off like terribly and makes a dramatic comeback only to not make the playoffs.

STL beats out Min, Nashville laughs at Chicago, and then Nashville goes on to beat the Blues.
San Jose takes out Dallas with ease, LA's defense stops the lord and savior, but can't take out the Sharks who beat the kings for the 3rd time in 7 years. Then the sharks beat out Nashville and win the cup. Woohoo!

Awards I care about:
Hart: McJesus. All hail the messiah!
Calder: Matthews. Duh. This was obvious even before his performance.
Art: Crosby, unless he gets hurt. Then maybe Benn, or Kane-wait sorry he's getting arrested.
Rocket: Ovechkin. Maybe next year Vladamir.
Norris: Burns. Fear the wookie.
Vezina: Price. Don't pull your groin!