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An Open Letter to Error

deletedabout 8 years

Error, if you end up reading this I hope you know it's not an attack thread. I just wanted you to understand where I was coming from, and where I think a lot of the community is coming from. This is really an open letter to everyone, but I think this is an important thing for everyone to understand.

I'm used to being the butt of a joke. It's been that way for my whole life. My weight, my looks, my hair, my overbite, my bad skin, my "waxy ears" (yes someone made fun of me for having too much earwax), my breath (I now brush my teeth, mouthwash, floss, and use mints/gum excessively), my large posterior, my laugh, my sense of humor, just anything about me that could be made fun of has been made fun of. I got so used to it I started to use the same jokes on myself. It would get laughs, I would feel good about myself, everything was ok. But it wasn't. People saw me for what I was, an insecure kid, and if I could make fun of myself, then people could keep jabbing at me. But it wasn't playful. It wasn't endearing, it wasn't jokes. It was harassment, bullying, insulting, dehumanizing.

Everyone comes to EpicMafia for a reason. My reason is pretty simple: loneliness. I'm not ashamed to say that I don't mesh well with other people. I'm not shy, I'm actually pretty extroverted. I'm talkative, loud, friendly. My problem is I can't really make lasting bonds. I don't know how to make friends. I'm clingy to people that show any sort of likening to me, I bug people, blah blah blah. Long story short, I don't have many friends.

Last year I was depressed. Like really depressed. I couldn't really seem to find a group of friends. I'd hang out with a group of people, they'd seem to like me, then a few weeks later they'd never call me or talk to me again. One part of this was my drinking.

I have an addictive personality. Food, Nicotine, Internet, Drinking, Weed, anything you can become dependent on is dangerous for me. My mom is a recovering alcoholic, my dad (now deceased) had his demons with booze, my aunts and uncles and grandparents on both sides all had stints with AA. I have every reason not to drink, yet I chose too.

Drinking isn't inherently bad. It's a great way to celebrate, to meet people, to loosen up, to add something while watching a game. Abusing drinking is what makes it deadly. I was getting drunk, like a lot. I'd just keep drinking until I blacked out, or puked, or cried, or did something or said something stupid. My friends would be driven away by this, wouldn't want to hang out, get angry at me, give me chance after chance to control it. But I didn't, I started to drink alone. I'd get boozed up and log into epicmafia. I was missing class because of hangovers. I almost lost my internship because of missing work. I was in a really bad place.

Some days I'd get liqoured up and join tinychats, yours or my own, or join Kenny's rabb.it's, and it would help me I guess. I wouldn't feel like I was alone. I felt like people in Sandbox were my friend's. You were always a bit d!ckish, but a loveable one I guess. you'd say something to me, but you'd say something to everyone so I didn't feel as bad. That's when you started commenting on my bad habits.

You told me I was going to fail out of college, become a burden on my mom, I couldn't handle booze, stuff along those lines. And I felt terrible about myself. Drinking had pushed away my friends and people close to me, and now it was pushing me away from the last thing I had. I was ashamed.

I'm not blaming you Error for my choices. I'm not saying you made me drink. I made those choices. You were just one of many to say something to me, to comment on my habits. I don't think you're a bad dude, I just think you forget you're dealing with people sometimes. Maybe you're dealing with the same problems as me. Maybe you just think you're better than me. Im not here to pyscho analyze you, and im not even asking you to explain yourself.

This isn't an attack on you. This isn't a pity party for me. This is to show you that everyone is dealing with sh!t. I'm sure you have problems too. We all do. God knows I do. I'm sorry for being hard on you for something seemingly insignificant, but the truth is you've always been hard on me, and been hard on a lot of the community members here.

I'm not promising to not drink, I'm not trying to get you to promise to never say a bad thing to anyone. I'm just trying to get everyone to think a little.

You said it best yourself.

Don't be sorry, be better.

-Mac

snakegladiator
about 8 years
I can relate to this which I think is what OP wanted
pingu
about 8 years
Hi Mac,

You and I don't really know each other but if you ever want to talk, fire away. I think this is a really good reminder to everyone, not just error, that we are all dealing with crap and to be mindful/sensitive of what we say to each other.

And Mac, you keep going buddy. Being the 'best you' is damn hard, but becoming a 'better you' is more than enough.
tigermom
about 8 years
P.P.S. Or, he doesn't really have the "I f*cked up my life" problems I always hypothesize he does and instead is just a very obnoxious, f*ckboish unempathetic jerk in which case I sincerely apologize to myself for devoting my time to try to understand him. To be frank, at first I did write him off as only this but then I noticed most, if not all of his "cruel" jokes revolved around the problem of being a loser in life...
tigermom
about 8 years
Therefore I'm really happy Mac posted this thread and that the people who hitherto didn't see this side of error now hopefully do.

Also @error: yes, I know that such kind of jokes are a really self-indulging and nice way to cope with/run away from your own problems in life but you do have to realize that most of the people in this community can very possibly not be able to handle them. So be more professional (like me!) and stop. Thank you.

P.S. While this discussion has nothing to do with error's modding abilities it does, and should provide a viewpoint on whether he's fit to be a mod, which Terry wasn't for quite similar reasons.
deletedabout 8 years

tigermom says


aquarius says

just pm him.......


No, I think it is very good he posted this. While reading the text I was really really hoping it wouldn't end in a "but Error made me grow/his insults didn't hurt me" sort of thing, and I'm glad it didn't, because if it did then everyone in support of his behavior would just point to this thread if anyone asked them about the people he hurt, as in "boohoo suck it up like mac did". I'm also happy Mac posted this because I myself have seen LOTS of occurences where error did something like this and said really mean stuff to people.

You know, it's pathetic to me how Terry gets demodded over saying "your feelings are irrelevant" to suicidal people yet error keeps telling all these people on Sandbox how they're nothing or how they're gonna ruin their lives and gets way with it. I'm pretty sure at least some, if not the majority, of the people he attacked really DO have some problems in their lives and error telling them stuff like this surely does harm. Think about it this way: how helpful is it telling a depressed person their life sucks?


Ya I think you really hit the nail on the head here, this is kind of the direction I was hoping people would go with this.

But an aside, this isn't a witchhunt for Error, this isn't a call for him to be de-modded. It's just trying to get people to think, to understand, to listen.
tigermom
about 8 years

aquarius says

just pm him.......


No, I think it is very good he posted this. While reading the text I was really really hoping it wouldn't end in a "but Error made me grow/his insults didn't hurt me" sort of thing, and I'm glad it didn't, because if it did then everyone in support of his behavior would just point to this thread if anyone asked them about the people he hurt, as in "boohoo suck it up like mac did". I'm also happy Mac posted this because I myself have seen LOTS of occurences where error did something like this and said really mean stuff to people.

You know, it's pathetic to me how Terry gets demodded over saying "your feelings are irrelevant" to suicidal people yet error keeps telling all these people on Sandbox how they're nothing or how they're gonna ruin their lives and gets way with it. I'm pretty sure at least some, if not the majority, of the people he attacked really DO have some problems in their lives and error telling them stuff like this surely does harm. Think about it this way: how helpful is it telling a depressed person their life sucks?
deletedabout 8 years
Just wanna take a sec to thank ppl for their comments and PMs so far, but again I'm not really looking for stuff like that, I guess I just wanted to show that everyone has problems, and everyone comes here to escape. I just want us all to treat each other better really, and sometimes it starts from the top down.

I know it's dumb but a lot of the younger players look up to the older ones and the mods and the owners.

I know when I first joined when I was like 15 I thought that it was cool that ppl like Chris were so down to Earth, and how ppl here really seemed to connect on a deeper level.
deletedabout 8 years
I'm your neighbor if you ever need someone to kick your butt for you.
deletedabout 8 years
I can relate to PP a lot :3

Me and probs most others here have social anxiety issues and/or bad addictions that make us very lonely

tis a sad life

but we must strive to improve ourselves
Bebop
about 8 years
sorry that this kinda sh*t happens to you man, you've got my skype but if you need other contact details or that kinda thing i'm always down to talk about stuff. i don't think error seriously meant what he said, but i suppose i'll wait for him to reply to this thread.
Ben
about 8 years
lol mac has wax in his ears
deletedabout 8 years

aquarius says

just pm him.......


Ya I thought about that, but the thing is this isn't about me or him or attention for me, or people pitying me. It's about the community, because I feel like everyone has a story like mine, a reason for spending so much time on this site. I think it's important message to be shared, and I think when people kinda realize that others are going through what they're going through (depression, anxiety, loneliness, addiction), they can help each other or maybe treat each other a little more positively.
deletedabout 8 years
While my life really isn't the point of this wall of text, I guess I'll say I've been doing better. I'm still trying to make friends and build relationships, but I'm a little more positive.

I did somehow manage to make the dean's list (3.5+ GPA) at my previous uni, which I'm not sure how I did. I managed to transfer into my dream school. I've been focusing a lot on my academics.

I'm trying to be better.

If anyone has any demons or stories or whatever, feel free to PM me or post them here.

Again, I really wasn't trying to make you guys pity me or feel bad for me, I'm just trying to humanize this lobby a little more. I think we can all grow from this, and learn to appreciate each other.

So ya, I'm sorry Bebop for criticizing you so much and being on your case. You're a good friend, and I'm not trying to push you away.

Error, I know we've had a lot of differences in the past. And tbh I don't see us ever really being buddy buddy. But maybe we can respect each other.
aquarius
about 8 years
just pm him.......