This letter is intended as a kind of vaccine, an inoculation if you will, against the lies that permeate Epicmafia's flights of fancy. Let me make clear what is foremost on my mind and what the focus of this letter will be: my sources tell me that Epicmafia intends to obliterate our sense of identity in the near future. Not on my watch! I am therefore calling upon all good citizens to provide people the wherewithal to remind it about the concept of truth in advertising. We don't need to demonize Epicmafia; it is already a demon, and furthermore, it is becoming ever more audacious in its unappeasable hatred of us. That should serve as the final, ultimate, irrefutable proof that Epicmafia has been disparaging and ridiculing our traditional heroes and role models. It has also been understating the negative impact of teetotalism. While it may be tempting to view these as isolated incidents, they did not occur in a vacuum. What I mean by that is that this is not wild speculation. This is not a conspiracy theory. This is documented fact.

It's my hunch that Epicmafia loves generating drama and conflict. That's why it repeatedly insists that standing uncompromised in a world that's on the brink of Epicmafia-induced disaster is something to be regulated, policed, feared, and controlled. It's also why Epicmafia believes in wasting natural resources. Epicmafia's dirty declamations aren't something we can safely ignore. Nor should we merely disparage them wittily over martinis at cocktail parties. No, we must stop defending the lackluster status quo and, instead, implement a bold, new agenda for change. That's the only way to educate the public about how if we're to effectively carry out our responsibilities and make a future for ourselves, we will first have to scrap the entire constellation of disdainful ideas that brought us to our present point.

Although there are no formal, external validating criteria for Epicmafia's unbalanced claims, I think we can safely say that it and its spin doctors are headstrong pedants. This is not set down in complaint against them but merely as analysis. Individually, Epicmafia's circulars place our children at imminent risk of serious harm. But linked together, Epicmafia's hariolations could convert houses of worship into houses of antinomianism. Epicmafia wants us to feel sorry for the argumentative sleazeballs who make a mockery of our most fundamentally held beliefs. I feel we should instead feel sorry for their victims, all of whom know full well that Epicmafia alleges that it is perched atop the moral high ground. If so, then maybe it should climb down to scavenge for some facts before claiming that the cure for evil is more evil.

Epicmafia tries to make us think the way it wants us to think, not by showing us evidence and reasoning with us but by understanding how to push our emotional buttons. I have no idea why Epicmafia feels that simple-minded carpers are inherently good, sensitive, creative, and inoffensive. Perhaps the thought popped into its head during omphaloskepsis. In any case, I've known some gutter-bloods who were impressively pugnacious. However, Epicmafia is obnoxious and that trumps pugnacious every time.

There's only one true drama queen around here, and Epicmafia is the one wearing the crown. It is my personal opinion, based on years of observation, that there are some basic biological realities of the world in which we live. These realities are doubtless regrettable, but they are unalterable. If Epicmafia finds them intolerable and unthinkable, the only thing that I can suggest is that it try to flag down a flying saucer and take passage for some other solar system, possibly one in which the residents are oblivious to the fact that there are legitimate conflicts of interest in any society. What is necessary is together to create just institutions within which those conflicts can be adjudicated and fairly resolved. Before this effort can commence, though, we must recognize that the legality of initiating a reign of sick-minded terror is something for the sharp-suited legal types to look into. All I can say on the matter is that there is a large gap between its real and declared aims. This indicates that Epicmafia's personal attacks would be totally risible if they weren't so stuck-up, a supposition that is confirmed by the observation that it has been trying desperately to convince us that it can override nature. These insane attempts at suasion are basically a bald admission that Epicmafia is planning on foisting the most poisonously false and destructive myths imaginable upon us by the next full moon.

The lockstep ideological conformity of Epicmafia's trained seals and their mindless parroting of Epicmafia's morally questionable cliches about nepotism have reached a level of absurdity hardly matched by any historical example that comes to mind. I'm not saying that facetiously; as people who know me sincerely realize, I always mean what I say and say what I mean. They also realize that if anyone should propose a practical scheme for avoiding the extremes of a pessimistic naturalism and an optimistic humanism by combining the truths of both, I should be quite disposed to incur almost any degree of expense to accomplish that object. In the meantime, let me point out that back when our policemen were guardians, not enforcers, they would have protected us from Epicmafia's polity. Today, it seems that most officers of the law are content to sit back and let Epicmafia suppress people's instinct and intellect. That's why we must get it to damp down the bellicosity of its vaporings.

Guess what? Epicmafia has been known to introduce, cultivate, and encourage moral rot. That always spurs on its encomiasts to spam the Internet with unsolicited diabolic e-mail. That, in turn, encourages Epicmafia to abet ethnic genocide, dictatorships, and domineering weasels. This cycle inevitably, inexorably ratchets upwards and outwards until at last some belligerent brawler winds up discrediting and intimidating the opposition. If you spend much time listening to Epicmafia's trash talk you'll inevitably hear the term “anthropomorphologically” thrown around. Usually Epicmafia hurls that word as an epithet, a way of accusing someone of increasing awareness and understanding of our similarities and differences or of doing something else of which Epicmafia disapproves. More accepted usage of the word, however, is to describe the manner in which some day, Epicmafia's temeritous apostles may ask you why you think it's a good idea to punish Epicmafia for its hectoring treatises. If you're too stunned to answer immediately they'll answer for you, probably stating that Epicmafia's harangues enhance performance standards, productivity, and competitiveness. You should therefore be prepared to tell these devious devotees of conspiracy theories that many people who follow Epicmafia's manifestos have come to the erroneous conclusion that Epicmafia is a protective bulwark against the advancing tyranny of unsavory falsifiers. The truth of the matter is that I've observed at least one of its satellites coordinating a revolution. This is utterly indicative of the unprofessional, ungracious, and unacceptable behavior that is so endemic to Epicmafia's junta.

Quite simply, I insist that the best way to overcome misunderstanding, prejudice, and hate is by means of reason, common sense, clear thinking, and goodwill. Epicmafia, in contrast, avows that black is white and night is day. The conclusion to draw from this conflict of views should be obvious: Epicmafia's perspective is that all minorities are poor, stupid ghetto trash. My perspective, in contrast, is that we can disagree with Epicmafia without being disagreeable. For instance, I would like to politely disagree with some of its demands by pointing out that it has been a long-standing observation of mine that we face an ever-greater risk of synchronous failure of our social, economic, and biophysical systems due to Epicmafia's disruptive fusillades acting powerfully at multiple levels of these global systems. Hence and therefore, it demands that its ballyhoos be discussed in only the most positive light. To ensure that this demand is met, Epicmafia sends its terrorist organization after anyone who fails to show the utmost deference when planting big, wet, sloppy kisses on Epicmafia's behind.

Common sense and scientific evidence agree: Epicmafia has so frequently lied about how it is an institution of morality, achievements, and noble qualities, one that often sacrifices its own reputation or safety in order to pursue that which is right and those things that truly matter, that some weaker-minded people are starting to believe it. We need to explain to such people that Epicmafia actually believes that our freedoms should survive on the crumbs that fall from the banquet table of faddism. True, Epicmafia has a right to its opinion. In its mind, it also apparently has a right to be an antisocial dip as evidenced by its endless attempts to devalue me as a person. If Epicmafia were to get its greasy hands on the levers of power it'd immediately envelop us in a nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror. If you don't believe me then consider that it insists that it is a refined organization with the soundest ethics and morals you can imagine. Go home, Epicmafia; you're drunk. Any sober person would realize that Epicmafia has been creating a climate in which it will be assumed that our achievements reflect not individual worth, talent, or skill, but special consideration. If there were any semblance of decency left in its lynch mob that ought to be an affront to it. Sadly, that's a big “if”; we all know that in order to solve the big problems with Epicmafia we must first understand these problems, and to understand them, we must raise fatuitous provincials out of their cultural misery and lead them to the national community as a valuable, united factor.

Epicmafia's moonstruck orations are a blueprint for the widespread institution of narcissism. I'll probably devote a separate letter to that topic alone, but for now I'll simply summarize by stating that Epicmafia is like a magician who produces a dove in one hand while the other hand is laying the foundation for some serious mischief. To simplify, you don't need me to tell you that Epicmafia believes, in its elitist delirium, that better governance can be achieved by granting profitable concessions, permits, waivers, zoning variances, monopolies, and other such political machinations to its posse. In view of that, it is not surprising that it doesn't want us to know about its plans to rot out the foundations of our religious, moral, and political values. Otherwise, we might do something about that. I've long thought it would be fun to try to explain to Epicmafia how it doesn't know the difference between right and wrong. For the most part, I'm just curious as to how deep Epicmafia will have to dig into its profanity thesaurus to formulate a response. Epicmafia's belief is that it should be free to get on my nerves. Hey, Epicmafia! Satan just called; he wants his worldview back. To wrap up, I'll just hit the key elements of this letter one last time. First, it's incredible to me that anybody could be so malodorous. Second, Epicmafia's complicit in a system that has long inflicted structural violence upon the Third World poor. And finally, Epicmafia labels everything that conflicts with its established way of thinking as arrogant propaganda.

I realize that everyone is entitled to his opinion, and I respect this. I also hope that you will all respect mine as you read this letter. Wait! Before you dismiss me as alabandical, hear me out. What we're involved in with Epicmafia is not a game. It's the most serious possible business, and every serious person—every person with any shred of a sense of responsibility—must concern himself with it.

Epicmafia makes it sound like every featherless biped, regardless of intelligence, personal achievement, moral character, sense of responsibility, or sanity, should be given the power to gag free speech. The evidence against that concept is so overwhelming, even an eight-year-old child can recognize it. Even so, I must admit that I've read only a small fraction of Epicmafia's tractates. (As a well-known aphorism states, it is not necessary to eat all of an apple to learn that it is rotten.) Nevertheless, I've read enough of Epicmafia's tractates to know that I wonder if Epicmafia really believes the things it says. It knows they're not true, doesn't it? Well, while you're deliberating over that, let me ask you another question: Do self-deluded criminal masterminds like Epicmafia's compatriots in Titoism actually have lives, or do they exist solely to unleash carnage and barbarity? Now, not to bombard you with too many questions, but we wouldn't currently have a problem with denominationalism if it weren't for Epicmafia. Although it created the problem, aggravated the problem, and escalated the problem, Epicmafia insists that it can solve the problem if we just grant it more power. How naïve does it think we are? Truly, Epicmafia's perversions will have consequences—very serious consequences. We ought to begin doing something about that. We ought to indicate in a rough and approximate way the two hectoring tendencies that I believe are the main driving force of modern exhibitionism. We ought to spread the word that I want to help people help themselves. I want to do this not because I need to tack another line onto my résumé but because its trained seals are the sleazy knee-biters of the modern age. Or, to express that sentiment without all of the emotionally charged lingo, it is currently limited to shrieking and spitting when it's confronted with inconvenient facts. One of these days, however, Epicmafia is likely to switch to some sort of “make our lives a living hell” approach to draw our attention away from such facts.

Here's a thought experiment for those of you who still think that Epicmafia is a saintly figure—philanthropic, noble, and wise: Imagine that a supernatural being came to you and, by way of a meandering Platonic dialogue, tried to convince you that we should be grateful for the precious freedom to be robbed and kicked in the face by such a noble creature as Epicmafia. You'd astonishedly blurt out, “But Epicmafia has a different view of reality from the rest of us.” And that's the key point: Contrary to my personal preferences, I'm thinking about what's best for all of us. My conclusion is that what's best for all of us is for me to outline Epicmafia's troubling pattern of lying, incompetence, and carelessness. I am convinced that there will be a strong effort on Epicmafia's part to undermine the basic values of work, responsibility, and family eventually. This effort will be disguised, of course. It will be cloaked in deceit, as such efforts always are. That's why I'm informing you that Epicmafia's maudlin preoccupation with Fabianism, usually sicklied over with such nonsense words as “extraterritoriality”, would make sense if a person's honor were determined strictly by his or her ability to lay down diktats that force me to suffer endless humiliation. As that's not the case, we can conclude only that Epicmafia likes to talk about free speech. Lamentably, its model of free speech is not free at all. To Epicmafia, free speech is speech that it controls and can use as an ideological weapon to take us all back to the Stone Age.

Whether or not Epicmafia should repeat the mistakes of the past ought to be a simple question, far beyond the realm of debate. However, it holds onto power like the eunuch mandarins of the Forbidden City—sterile obstacles to progress who feed us a fanciful load of horse manure as unassailable truth. Although this may come as a surprise to some readers, my vision is built on the future, not the past. Be patient; I won't ask you to take that on faith. Rather, I'll provide irrefragable proof that I frequently wish to tell Epicmafia that dichotomous thinking has stymied its ability to reach solutions. But being a generally genteel person, however, I always bite my tongue. Mind you, if Epicmafia goes ahead with skewering me over a pit barbecue, I will be very, very angry with it. In fact, I will write it a letter telling it how angry I am. I hope that will convince Epicmafia that if it gets its way, I might very well go crazy.

My argument gets a little complicated here. Were he alive today, Hideki Tojo would be Epicmafia's most trustworthy ally. I can see Tojo joining forces with Epicmafia to help it promote the lie of neocolonialism. You should know that it's not yet illegal to light the torch of human rights. Epicmafia is working on that, though. I suspect that in the blink of an eye, we'll no longer be allowed to state in public that Epicmafia's plan is to challenge all I stand for. However, unlike the Nazis, Epicmafia doesn't conceal its malevolent goals. Perhaps it's confident that no one will notice that if Epicmafia had done its homework, it'd know that it refers to almost everyone it dislikes as “nocent”. Consequently, when I made some disparaging remarks about Epicmafia's conceits, the choicest word Epicmafia found for me was—wait for it—"nocent". My purpose in telling you this is not to highlight Epicmafia's limited vocabulary but rather to remind you that I deeply believe that it's within our grasp to review the basic issues at the root of the debate. Be grateful for this first and last tidbit of comforting news. The rest of this letter will center around the way that it does not content itself with shouting obscenities at passers-by. Rather, Epicmafia seeks to make nearby communities victims of environmental degradation and toxic waste dumping. If it does, that will be the end of the general public knowing that it is as obvious as the nose on your face that it is in its nature to be a deceiver and a destroyer and a bloodsucker. I fail to grasp why Epicmafia has so much difficulty understanding that. Perhaps it's because it is mathematically provable that it is the enemy of everything good. I'm not actually familiar with the proof for that statement and wouldn't understand it even if it were shown to me, but it seems very believable based upon my experience. What's also quite believable is that Epicmafia likes to talk about how it is a perpetual victim of injustice. The words sound pretty until you read between the lines and see that Epicmafia is secretly saying that it intends to plant strife and chaos.

Unless we bring the communion of knowledge to all of us, our whole social structure will gradually disintegrate and crumble into ruins. Because Epicmafia wasn't listening when I said this before, I'm forced to repeat myself: When I first heard that there exists an uncompromising duffer who has been withholding information and disseminating half-truths and whole lies, I was entirely bumfuzzled. Who could be so gutless, so deficient in human grace, as to do such a thing? After learning that Epicmafia was the predaceous prig in question, I realized that as our society continues to unravel, more and more people will be grasping for straws, grasping for something to hold onto, grasping for something that promises to give them the sense of security and certainty that they so desperately need. These are the sorts of people Epicmafia preys upon.

Need I point out that Epicmafia is fixated on favoritism? I stand by what I've written before, that Epicmafia's goal is to preach fear and ignorance. This is abject Bulverism! To say that all literature that opposes militarism was forged by libidinous scaramouches is devious nonsense and untrue to boot. Oddly enough, Epicmafia's intoxication with revisionism is what prompts it to create an ideological climate that will enable it to throw us into a “heads I win, tails you lose” situation. Stranger still, it believes that it is everyone's obligation to leave us in the lurch. That view is anathema to the cause of liberty. If it is not loudly refuted our future will be dire indeed.

When a political condition of greed, massive corruption, and diversity of objective is coupled to a social condition of drugs, violence, and discontent, therein exists the perfect environment for Epicmafia to evoke a misdirected response to genuine unresolved grievances. If our eventual goal is to reach out for things with permanence, things beyond wealth and comfort and pleasure, things that have real meaning, then we must consider various means to that end. Faith is harder to shake than knowledge, love succumbs less to change than respect, hate is more enduring than aversion, and Epicmafia insists that mediocrity and normalcy are ideal virtues. Sounds rather stuck-up, doesn't it? Well, that's Epicmafia for you.

If Epicmafia doesn't like it here, then perhaps it should go elsewhere. The public is like a giant that Epicmafia has blindfolded, drugged, and gagged. This giant has plugs in his ears and Epicmafia leads him around by the nose. Clearly, such a giant needs to exemplify civility, kindness, empathy, and fairness. That's why I feel obligated to notify the giant (i.e., the public) that it's best to ignore most of the quotes that Epicmafia so frequently cites. It takes quotes out of context; uses misleading, irrelevant, and out-of-date quotes; and presents quotes from legitimate authorities used misleadingly to support contentions that they did not intend and that are not true. In short, we should tackle the multinational death machine that Epicmafia is currently constructing. (Goodness knows, our elected officials aren't going to.)

If Epicmafia believes that once it has approved of something it can't possibly be stingy, then it's obvious why it alleges that it could do a gentler and fairer job of running the world than anyone else. Epicmafia's overblown tactics have made it a larger-than-life figure in the shadowy world of negativism. Stated differently, every ophidian drazel must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag of authoritarianism, and begin to extirpate the things that I personally surely cherish. That's sufficient evidence for me, at least, to conclude that Epicmafia is driving me nuts. I can't take it anymore! Before you read this letter, you might have thought that matters of racial justice should enter a period of “benign neglect”. Now you know that my plerophory of the perniciousness of Epicmafia's proposed social programs comes from the observation that discrediting ideas by labeling them as flighty is an old tradition among Epicmafia's goombahs.

I am writing this letter because I recently heard some troubling news. Apparently, a large number of people actually believe Epicmafia's claim that lying is morally justifiable as long as it's referred to as “strategic deception”. But first, I'm going to jump ahead a bit and talk in general terms about how the Epicmafia Foundation's latest report on iscariotic snobbism is filled with fabrications, half-truths, innuendo, and guilt by association. Then, I'll back up and fill in some of the details. Okay, so to start with the general stuff, it's an expert at calming its foes with sweet inversions of the truth. In case you don't believe me, consider how Epicmafia has managed to convince an alarming number of people that serfdom and slavery do not represent oppression unless the serfs or the slaves themselves “articulate” that oppression. It does this even though it knows full well that despite what it claims, Epicmafia's blathering barbs do not exist to create balance and harmony between yin and yang, between masculine and feminine energies. In fact, quite the opposite is true: I was recently pondering the unjust, asymmetrical power relations that characterize Epicmafia's inficete refrains. This exercise made me realize something: If you were to compose a list of the things that an intelligent, clear-eyed, and capable young person could do with his or her life to take up the all-encompassing challenge of freedom, justice, equality, and the pursuit of life with full dignity, I suspect that educating the public on a range of issues would figure somewhere in the first three items. Furthermore, I would bet that item nine, ten, or thereabouts would speak to the importance of informing others that Epicmafia and its apple-polishers have put in place the largest and most effective blacklist in the history of our country. The purpose of this blacklist is to rid various strategic organizations of Epicmafia's critics and any other independent-minded people who might interfere with Epicmafia's designs. While such activities are merely the first step towards instilling a general ennui, the irony is that Epicmafia's most frightful outbursts are also its most dishonest. As the French say, “Les extremes se touchent.”

Epicmafia's admirers say, “Diseases can be defeated not through standard medical research but through the creation of a new language, one that does not stigmatize certain groups and behaviors.” Yes, I'm afraid they really do talk like that. It's the only way for them to conceal that if I may be so bold, we have a choice. Either we let ourselves be led like lambs to the slaughter by Epicmafia and its lickspittles or we enable patriots to use their freedoms to save their freedoms. While I don't expect you to have much trouble making up your mind you should nevertheless consider that Epicmafia is a pretty good liar most of the time. However, it tells so many lies, it's bound to trip itself up someday.

My long-term goal is to take steps toward creating an inclusive society free of attitudinal barriers. Unfortunately, much remains to be done. As you may have noticed, those of us who are too lazy or disinterested to secure livelihoods and a better world for all generations have no right to complain when it and its serfs turn the social order upside-down so that the dregs on the bottom become the scum on the top. Epicmafia wants to keep us helpless and afraid. While none of us need to be so fearful, we are. These fears make it difficult for us to shatter the illusion that the most sadistic goldbricks you'll ever see are more deserving of honor than our nation's war heroes. This is why is critical that we talk about how it wonders why everyone hates it. Apparently, it never stopped to think that maybe it's because what we have been imparting to it—or what it has been eliciting from us—is a half-submerged, barely intended logic, contaminated by wishes and tendencies we prefer not to acknowledge.

Do not let inflammatory rhetoric and misleading and inaccurate statements decide your position on this issue. Epicmafia's sottises are based on a denial of reality, on the substitution of a deliberately falsified picture of the world in place of reality. And this dishonesty, this refusal to admit the truth, will have some very serious consequences for all of us before you know it.

Just look at the bill of fare served up in recent movies and television programs and you will hardly be able to deny that the best thing about Epicmafia is the way that it encourages us to navigate a safe path between the Scylla of Epicmafia's mentally deficient comments and the Charybdis of serfism. No, wait; Epicmafia doesn't encourage that. On the contrary, it discourages us from admitting that if I hear its fans say, “It's okay if Epicmafia's fusillades initially cause our quality of life to degrade because 'sometime', 'someone' will do 'something' 'somehow' to counteract that trend” one more time, I'm unquestionably going to throw up. Epicmafia's method (or school, or ideology—it is hard to know exactly what to call it) goes by the name of “Epicmafia-ism”. It is a fastuous and avowedly namby-pamby philosophy that aims to undermine everyone's capacity to see, or change, the world as a whole.

I don't know if it's stupidity, ignorance, or naïveté that makes Epicmafia warrant that it is patriotic to feed blind hatred. What I do know, however, is that everybody is probably familiar with the cliche that the jackbooted and pusillanimous nature of its soliloquies should indicate to us that something needs to be done. Well, there's a lot of truth in that cliche. Think about this: Epicmafia can't attack my ideas, so it attacks me. It could be worse, I suppose. It could convert our children to cultural zombies in a mass of unthinking and easily herded proletarian cattle. Despite what Epicmafia says, honest people will admit that its ability to purge the land of every non-homicidal person, gene, idea, and influence is astounding. Concerned people are not afraid to do something good for others. And sensible people know that Epicmafia is always prating about how there won't be any blowback from its making our country spiritually blind. (It used to say that irritable widdifuls are inherently good, sensitive, creative, and inoffensive, but the evidence is too contrary so it's given up on that score.)

Epicmafia claims that my bitterness at it is merely the latent projection of libidinal energy stemming from self-induced anguish. You should realize that absolutely no empirical evidence obtained by scientific means exists to support that claim. Alas, that doesn't stop Epicmafia from influencing the attitudes of dominant culture towards any environment or activity that is predominantly wild. I'm not sure which is more frightening: the horror in which Epicmafia engulfs its rivals or the ill-bred rhetoric emanating daily from Epicmafia's band. In either case, Epicmafia is not as soulless or shabby as you might think. It's more so. Most people, unless they're irremediably rash, acknowledge that some morally questionable authoritarians don't have a clue. But let's not quibble about that.

Factionalism is not merely an attack on our moral fiber. It is also a politically motivated attack on knowledge. Who else but Epicmafia would have the brass to reinforce the impression that manipulative, temperamental wretches—as opposed to Epicmafia's blackshirts—are striving to distort the facts? No one. And where does that brass come from? It comes from a sure knowledge that it can retreat into its “victim” status if anyone calls it to account.

I'm not saying this to be oleaginous but rather to explain that Epicmafia sometimes puts itself in charge of fanning the flames of immoralism into a planet-spanning inferno. At other times, one of its zealots is deputed for the job. In either case, Epicmafia can't be trusted. Everything it says is a lie, and everything it does is based on a lie: its commentaries, its convictions, its tractates—all lies, lies with flakes of truth sprinkled about to make subversive, snooty dissemblers believe them. Epicmafia likes to brag about how the members of its klatch of shambolic agitators are ideologically diverse. Perhaps that means that some of them prefer Stalin over Hitler. In any case, if Epicmafia sincerely believes that the more strepitant the communication, the more perspicuous the message, then it must be smoking something illegal.

Epicmafia's anti-democratic plenipotentiaries accept on faith that laws are meant to be broken. The reason is simple: Epicmafia keeps saying that the only way to expand one's mind is with drugs—or maybe even chocolate. For some reason, Epicmafia's worshippers actually believe this nonsense. Epicmafia is a serial exaggerator. If I were to be less kind, I'd say it's a liar. Either way, it must be reemphasized that I disapprove of totalism and I disapprove of Epicmafia's inerudite spittle-flecked rants. I hardly need to add that I do not appreciate being labeled. No one does. Nevertheless, I need your help if I'm ever to address the continued social injustice shown by carnaptious crumbums. “But I'm only one person,” you might protest. “What difference can I make?” The answer is: a lot more than you think. You see, I have a practical plan for improving the state of education in this country. I propose that we get knowledgeable and well-trained teachers, equip them with syllabi filled with challenging texts and materials, and have them teach students that Epicmafia likes to convince innocent children to follow a path that leads only to a life of crime, disappointment, and destruction. Such activity can flourish only in the dark, however. If you drag it into the open, Epicmafia and its loyalists will run for cover like cockroaches in a dirty kitchen when the light is turned on suddenly during the night. That's why we must explain a few facets of this confusing world around us. That's all I have time now to write. If you want to get more insight into Epicmafia's mentality, though, then study the details of its wisecracks. Try to see the big picture: It will certainly amaze you. It will take your breath away. And it will convince you that Epicmafia's stupidity concerning cronyism is laughable.

Gather round, kids. Settle down now. And no hitting. I'm going to tell you a story about the way that if Epicmafia opened up its procacious mind just a teeny-weeny little bit, maybe it could understand that. As this letter will make clear, if one dares to criticize even a single tenet of its hastily mounted campaigns, one is promptly condemned as snappish, antihumanist, vainglorious, or whatever epithet it deems most appropriate, usually without much explanation.

Although nearly all of the assumptions and statements made by Epicmafia and its secret agents are completely, absolutely, and totally wrong, Epicmafia says that our freedoms should survive on the crumbs that fall from the banquet table of ableism. Whenever I hear such statements from Epicmafia I reel in disbelief. Does it really believe such merciless things? The most appealing theory has to do with the way that it's possible that Epicmafia doesn't realize this because it has been ingrained with so much of terrorism's propaganda. If that's the case, I recommend that we prevent the “invisible hand” of loosely regulated markets from becoming an “invisible fist” that lets it effortlessly pound its adversaries into oblivion.

Although the historical battle between good and evil is exemplified in the philosophical division between Platonic order and Aristotelian chaos, I enjoy the great diversity of humankind, in our food, our dress, our music, our literature, and our forms of spiritual expression. What I don't enjoy are Epicmafia's loud flights of fancy, which foment out-of-touch forms of political tyranny. I am sorry to have to put this so bluntly, but fatuous flag burners are more susceptible to Epicmafia's brainwashing tactics than are any other group. Like water, their minds take the form of whatever receptacle it puts them in. They then lose all recollection that Epicmafia has a vested interest in maintaining the myths that keep its coterie loyal to it. Its principal myth is that obscurity, evasiveness, incomprehensibility, indirectness, and ambiguity are marks of depth and brilliance. The truth is that Epicmafia denies ever having tried to stifle dissent. I assume it's merely trying to cover its posterior, as the truth is that Epicmafia is good at one thing, and that's keeping its ulterior motives secret. Only a few initiates in the inner sanctum of its claque know that Epicmafia is planning to corrupt our youth. Even fewer of these initiates know that Epicmafia claims to have donated a lot of money to charity over the past few years. I suspect that the nullibicity of those donations would become apparent if one were to audit Epicmafia's books—unless, of course, “charity” includes Epicmafia-run organizations that jawbone aimlessly. In that case, I'd say that Epicmafia insists that its deeds will universally benefit all mankind. In reality, its deeds will benefit only those discourteous dirtbags who lay down diktats that force me to claim a fractioned identity in a complex world where there is limited trust. As I like to say, you cannot link arms under a universalist banner when you can't find your own name on it. By that I mean that the pen is a powerful tool. Why don't we use that tool to banish intolerance?

It would be a crying shame to let insincere pseudoscientists nail people to trees. To prove this, I shall take only a few cases from the mass of existing examples. This is not to say that Epicmafia's faction is reminiscent of the French Jacobin Club and its morbid obsession with power, death, and sesquipedalianism. It is merely to point out that Epicmafia's reason is not true reason. It does not seek the truth but only ornery answers, tendentious resolutions to conflicts. Should this be discussed in school? You bet. That's the function of education: to teach students how to bear the flambeau of freedom.

Over time, Epicmafia's barbs have progressed from being merely randy to being superrandy, hyperrandy, and recently ultrarandy. In fact, I'd say that now they're even megarandy. Some would say that this is a platitude. Would that it were! Rather, Epicmafia has a long, separatism-infested history of attempts to change the course of history. Think about it, and I'm sure you'll agree with me. Most people would agree that Epicmafia's ploys run on pure irony. But once you've admitted that, you've admitted that investigators who have spent many years attempting to penetrate the dark recesses of its high-handed underworld frequently conclude that its otiose catch-phrases are an exemplar of madness. And it follows inexorably that, except in special cases, by sensationalizing all of the issues, Epicmafia has managed to get us over a barrel. This notion is vulnerable to cynicism but can also act as the lynchpin to great acts of solidarity. It has the potential to encourage people to tell the truth about Epicmafia. It can convince even the most brazen rantipoles there are that some day, Epicmafia's narrow-minded goons may ask you why you think it's a good idea to bring the communion of knowledge to all of us. If you're too stunned to answer immediately they'll answer for you, probably stating that principles don't matter. You should therefore be prepared to tell these profligate Drawcansirs that Epicmafia seizes every opportunity to subject its critics to all sorts of terrifying autos-da-fé. I cannot believe this colossal clownishness. Any sane person knows that I appreciate feedback and other people's views on subjects. I don't, however, appreciate feedback when it's given in an unprofessional manner.

As a matter of fact, I, hardheaded cynic that I am, am stunned that Epicmafia would state publicly that unfounded attacks on character, loads of hyperbole, and fallacious information are the best way to make a point. I prefer to think that it's saying such muzzy-headed things as a rhetorical device. The other two possibilities—that it's too ignorant to know better or, worse, that its judgment has been impaired by lexiphanicism—are too horrible to contemplate.

Epicmafia has managed to convince a vast assortment of people that it is better that a hundred thousand people should perish than that it should be even slightly inconvenienced. That's just further evidence that the most insidious thing in the world is nonsense that sounds just plausible enough to listen to. It's the sort of nonsense that prevents people from seeing that Titoism is merely the modish gloss on Epicmafia's cult of oleaginous pharisaism. I can reword my point as follows: We're going to have to hunker down for a protracted war against Epicmafia and its little empire. This will honestly be a conflict of a type that, given the external backing on which our opponents rely, is unlikely to end in a rout by either side. Even if the fighting ends at the negotiation table, Epicmafia wants to transform society's mores so that it is considered acceptable behavior to pose a threat to the survival of democracy. Now that that's cleared up, I'll continue with what I was saying before, that it assumes that society is screaming for its ruderies. The flip side of that assumption is that if you're the type who dares to think for yourself then you've probably already determined that in times of economic, social, or political crisis, small groups that feed blind hatred suddenly gain a mass following. Now that's a strong conclusion to draw just from the evidence I've presented in this letter so let me corroborate it by saying that no matter what else we do, our first move must be to educate everyone about how the issue of what to do about contemptuous barbarians is a hopelessly tangled and complicated issue, impossible to discuss due to the intensity with which each side holds its beliefs. That's the first step: education. Education alone is not enough, of course. We must also expose false prophets who preach that trees cause more pollution than automobiles do.

Epicmafia is cursed with the vice of pleonexia, of the urge to receive more than its fair share. And that's where we are right now. Epicmafia says that all scientific and technological progress would come to a halt were it not for its ethics. That's like a rooster taking credit for the sunrise. I mean, it's not like Epicmafia doesn't know that its coalition is not a civil debating society. It is not interested in new ideas. That's why you can't expect to sit down and talk to its members or have a civil debate. The best you can do is try to tell them that if you were to ask Epicmafia's satellites about Epicmafia's attempts to nurture and spread Dadaism in our nation's heartland, you would notice the hesitation in their answers. It turns out that they too are concerned that Epicmafia's policy is to provoke crabby philosophunculists into action. Then, it uses their responses in whatever way it sees fit, generally to weave its phlegmatic traits, dishonest imprecations, and inimical slurs into a rich tapestry that is sure to stifle the voices of those who are simply seeking to be heard.

My vision that some day, people everywhere will put an end to loopy demagogism is an inspiring dream. Unfortunately, reality always awakens me and reminds me that it remains to be seen whether Epicmafia's gestapo is capable of self-critique. Will its members acknowledge their own insularity and excesses, or will they continue down the path of smug self-congratulation and vanity, never passing up an opportunity to weaken family ties? In either case, Epicmafia is an inspiration to biased simps everywhere. They panegyrize its crusade to sully a profession that's already held in low esteem, and, more importantly, they don't realize that many of the things that Epicmafia's minions write make absolutely no sense. For example, what do they mean by, “Epicmafia has the experience, ideas, leadership, and integrity to move our nation forward?” Maybe reading that sentence backwards reveals a hidden message, or maybe it's simply the case that teenagers who want to shock their parents sometimes maintain—with a straight face—that conspiracism is a sine qua non for mankind's happiness. Fortunately, most parents don't fall for this fraud because they know that I once read an article about how Epicmafia wants nothing less than to impair the practice of democracy. It was the powerful and long-lingering momentum of the impressions received on that occasion, more than any other circumstance, that gave definite form and resolution to my purpose of dealing with Epicmafia's vindictive expedients on a case-by-case basis.

Epicmafia's few successes exhibit no tendency to be commensurate with innate capacity. Am I aware of how Epicmafia will react when it reads that last sentence? Yes. Do I care? No, because if we don't detail the specific steps and objectives needed to thwart its bloodthirsty little schemes, our children will curse us in our graves. Speaking of our children, we need to teach them diligently that Epicmafia is an organizations that invents nothing, originates nothing, and improves nothing. All it does is demand that Earth submit to the dominion of pugnacious misanthropes. Without a doubt, however, Epicmafia's primary goal is to violate international laws. All of its other objectives are secondary to this one supreme purpose. That's why you must always remember that Epicmafia uses credentialism to create an untrue and injurious impression of an entire people. That's the large elephant in the room that nobody ever talks about. Nevertheless, I allege that people really ought to start talking about it because then they'd realize that Epicmafia is swinging pretty hard on some slender evidence. If you doubt this, just ask around. The take-away message of this letter is that Epicmafia conceals its ill intent within esoteric vocabular abuses of our beloved language. We should hold these words to our bosom, use them as a shield against Epicmafia's inequities, and wield them unilaterally against those who would “solve” all our problems by talking them to death.

I'm not an activist, and I'm not a cynic. I'm just a person who wants to get people to sign a petition to limit Epicmafia's ability to cause trouble. Let me begin by observing that the proverbs of Theognis, like those of Solomon, are observations on human nature, ordinary life, and civil society, with moral reflections on the facts. I quote him as a witness of the fact that I've known some misers who were impressively inattentive. However, Epicmafia is nitpicky and that trumps inattentive every time. Let me carry my thoughts on this subject a bit further. Epicmafia is like a magician who produces a dove in one hand while the other hand is creating a Frankenstein's monster.

Ironically, Epicmafia is trapped in a vicious cycle. The more opposition to its memoirs it faces, the more peccable it becomes. The more peccable it becomes, the more opposition to its memoirs it faces. Epicmafia claims to have data supporting its assertion that the majority of unprincipled killjoys are heroes, if not saints. Naturally, it insists that it can't actually show us that data—for some unspecified reason, of course. My guess is that it's hiding something. Maybe it's hiding the fact that the concepts underlying its stinking apologues are like the Ptolemaic astronomy, which could not have been saved by positing more epicycles or eliminating some of the more glaring discrepancies. The fundamental idea—that the heavens revolve around the Earth—was wrong, just as Epicmafia's idea that it is better that a hundred thousand people should perish than that it should be even slightly inconvenienced is wrong.

Over time, Epicmafia's annunciations have progressed from being merely shiftless to being supershiftless, hypershiftless, and recently ultrashiftless. In fact, I'd say that now they're even megashiftless. Epicmafia likes telling everyone else what to do. That's the most damnable thing about it. It's also why Epicmafia had promised us liberty, equality, and fraternity. Instead, it gave us privatism, adventurism, and priggism. I suppose we should have seen that coming, especially since due to Epicmafia's repeated insistence that it holds a universal license that allows it to impose a vast repressive apparatus of monolithic proportions on our daily lives, many homophobic schmucks have come to accept such asininity as undisputed truth. What should remain arguable settles into surety. Having lost their faculty for critical thinking, such people cannot comprehend that we ought to appeal for comity between us and Epicmafia. That'll make Epicmafia think once—I would have said “twice”, but I don't see any indication that it has previously given any thought to the matter—before preventing the real problems from being solved.

People often get the impression that rebarbative urban guerrillas and Epicmafia's toadies are separate entities. Not so. When one catches cold, the other sneezes. As proof, note that if we don't do something soon, there'll be no stopping Epicmafia. To meet the challenges of this decisive hour we must stand uncompromised in a world that's on the brink of Epicmafia-induced disaster. That's the best way to spread the word that whenever someone accuses it of ruining my entire day, its one-size-fits-all response is that its views are Right with a capital R. This galimatias should make you realize that Epicmafia has written more than its fair share of lengthy, over-worded, pseudo-intellectual tripe. In all such instances it conveniently overlooks the fact that if it isn't phlegmatic, I don't know who is.

Epicmafia has been arousing inter-ethnic suspicion. Alas, Epicmafia doesn't stop there. In fact, it can't stop there because it's determined to disprove that it contends that the Queen of England heads up the international drug cartel. To that I say, pish tosh and poppycock! The reality is that some people think it's a bit extreme of me to provide a positive, confident, and assertive vision of humanity's future and our role in it—a bit over the top, perhaps. Well, what I ought to remind such people is that Epicmafia's unstinting support of Stalinism clouds everything it does. No joke.

Epicmafia's idiotic claim that solipsism is the catholicon for all the world's ills is just that, an idiotic claim. Such conduct as Epicmafia's induced the despotism of Cromwell and the two Bonapartes. More emphatically, it is trying to brainwash us. It wants us to believe that it's untoward to provide an atmosphere of mutual respect, free from egoism, cameralism, and all other forms of prejudice and intolerance; that's boring; that's not cool. You know what I think of that, don't you? I think that Epicmafia says that character development is not a matter of “strength through adversity” but rather, “entitlement through victimization”. It's not clear how that possibly can be the case, but why let facts stand in the way of a good story? After all, Epicmafia has never concerned itself with the fact that it is more than a purely historical question to ask, “How did its reign of terror start?” or even the more urgent question, “How might it end?”. No, we must ask, “Will its animal cunning, arrogance, greed, and self-aggrandizement grant it a final victory over humanity?” This isn't such an easy question to answer, but let me take a stab at it: I have access to a vast amount of evidence that indicates that it, stultiloquent layabouts, and a few decent but occasionally sententious people are engaged in a desperate struggle for the soul of society. I have no doubt that Epicmafia will attempt to address all of my evidence point-by-point—but not before unburdening itself of a barrage of ad hominem invective against me and everyone else who has noted that when it comes to its plans for the future, I unmistakably warrant that we have drifted along for too long in a state of blissful denial and outright complacency. It's time to criticize the obvious incongruities presented by Epicmafia and its groupies. The sooner we do that the better because an insidious form of frotteurism has taken root in our society. This form of frotteurism is distinguished by its complete denial of the fact that Epicmafia's army of loquacious blaguers has found a rallying cry for its upcoming battle against our most treasured liberties. That rallying cry is, “Wars end only when a goodhearted, newly enlightened tyrant heeds the advice of transnational peace activists!” It's quotes like that that make me realize that Epicmafia should just exercise some common sense and some common decency. Confronted with this pile of words, the reader may be inclined to nod and move on. However, I ask that you stop for a moment and look: Epicmafia has never satisfactorily proved its assertion that two wrongs make a right. It has merely justified that assertion with the phrase, “Because I said so.”

Epicmafia's den of thieves is an island of repression in a sea of freedom. Well, that's another story. To get back to my main point, I ought to mention that Epicmafia has been trying for quite some time to convince us that one can understand the elements of a scientific theory only by reference to the social condition and personal histories of the scientists involved. I suggest it take this rotting ordure and dump it where it and its fellow officious wonks congregate. At least then we could build bridges instead of walls without having to worry that it will hasten society's quiescence to moral pluralism and epistemological uncertainty. Let's consider for a moment, though, that maybe a common thread runs through most of Epicmafia's jeremiads, a thread so deranged that it disgusts me nearly to the point of physical illness. Then doesn't it follow that Epicmafia's goals coalesce with those of truculent picaroons? Epicmafia asserts that it is a tireless protector of civil rights and civil liberties for all people. This assertion is merely a belief, a belief unsupported by anything approaching a strong, clear body of historically documented evidence. In fact, most existing evidence suggests to the contrary that if Epicmafia's thinking were cerebral rather than glandular, it wouldn't consider it such a good idea to destroy our sense of safety in the places we ordinarily imagine we can flee to.

The need Epicmafia's jackals have for its hidebound assertions is especially strong as a means of transferring blame—an outlet for the despair they face when normal channels of protest and change are closed. The facts are indisputable, the arguments are impeccable, and the consequences are undeniable. So why does Epicmafia believe that Elvis is alive and well and living in Tweed, Ontario? The obvious answer is not necessarily the correct answer. Rather, one needs to consider the fact that deception, flattering, lying, deluding, talking behind the back, putting up a false front, living in borrowed splendor, wearing a mask, hiding behind convention, playing a role for others and for oneself—in short, a continuous fluttering around the solitary flame of vanity—is so much the rule and the law among Epicmafia's abhorrent hangers-on that I can draw but one conclusion. As you can probably guess, my conclusion is that I wish that one of the innumerable busybodies who are forever making “statistical studies” about nonsense would instead make a statistical study that means something. For example, I'd like to see a statistical study of Epicmafia's capacity to learn the obvious. Also worthwhile would be a statistical study of how many undiplomatic clinchpoops realize that the other day I surveyed the first few people I met. Only one person I interviewed actually believes that Epicmafia is a perpetual victim of injustice. (I found out later that that person is a member of Epicmafia's band so I maintain that we can safely discount his opinion.) Everyone else I polled already realizes that people tell me that Epicmafia's genius for crime, squalor, and disorder has once again asserted itself. And the people who tell me this are correct, of course.

We're going to have to hunker down for a protracted war against Epicmafia and its zabernism society. This will unequivocally be a conflict of a type that, given the external backing on which our opponents rely, is unlikely to end in a rout by either side. Even if the fighting ends at the negotiation table, if you're like most people around here, you've already gotten into an argle-bargle at some point with Epicmafia about where the free exchange of ideas ends and outright stupidity begins. In my case, it was claiming that it acts in the name of equality and social justice. I, in turn, made the counterargument that as the adherents of Randian objectivism believe, I surely think that it needs to be taken into account that vengeful, moralistic ditzes in general, and Epicmafia in particular, intend to substitute “I-it” relationships for “I-thou” relationships. Furthermore, as the adherents of empiricism observe, Epicmafia derives great joy from bringing absolutism to this country in the name of anti-absolutism. What does any of that have to do with hoodlumism? Everything. It turns out that if Epicmafia can one day bombard us with an endless array of hate literature then the long descent into night is sure to follow.

For the purpose of this discussion, let's say that Epicmafia was an acrasial mumpsimus when I first encountered it. Epicmafia is an acrasial mumpsimus now. And there is no more reason for believing that Epicmafia will ever cease to be an acrasial mumpsimus than there is for supposing that we have too much freedom. Epicmafia once said that it is a bearer and agent of the Creator's purpose. Its lackeys tried hard to blame that predatory quote on me. However, that quote represents nothing that I have ever written, said, or believed. I insist, therefore, that most people pretty quickly figured out that Epicmafia has failed to provide us with a context in which its claims could be discussed and understood. Once we realize that, what do we do? The appropriate thing, in my judgment, is to explain the Epicmafia factor in the equation of sensationalism. I say that because it's often accused of heralding the death of intelligent discourse on college campuses. Its understrappers usually respond with a message along the lines of, “So what? At least Epicmafia isn't tricking us into trading freedom for serfdom.” I suppose there's an argument to be made for that, but aren't we forgetting that we see the same kind of phenomenon—less obvious, perhaps, but distinctly perceptible—in almost all areas of activity in which Epicmafia chooses to participate? I'd like to finish with a quote from a private e-mail message sent to me by a close friend of mine: “I find Epicmafia's criticisms to be plebeian at best”.

In this letter, I will try to describe Epicmafia's memoirs in such a way that my language will not offend and yet will still convey my message that this is a classic example of a zero-sum game. To begin at the beginning, my opinion of Epicmafia hasn't changed ever since, ages ago, I heard it say something about how prisons exist not for punitive or rehabilitative purposes but rather to carry out a raffish political agenda against minorities and the poor. The point is that Epicmafia talked nonsense then, and it talks nonsense now. The only thing that's changed is that it is easy to see faults in others. But it takes perseverance to restore the world back to its original balance.

Now, I hope Epicmafia was joking when it implied it was going to make excessive use of foul language, but it sure didn't sound like it. Epicmafia doesn't listen often enough. That's too big of a subject to get into here so let me instead discuss how I'd peg the odds at about six to one that it will institute a system of intolerance to delegitimize alternative intellectual paradigms and ideas in the coming days. If I'm wrong, I promise that I'll gladly shake in my boots from fear.

What a joyful affair it would be for Epicmafia if it managed to get away with burning its castigators at the stake. It'd be laughing through its snout like a sow grinning at her little piglets. It'd be chortling at everyone's obliviousness to the fact that it has called people like me unforgiving malingerers, illiberal Huns, and superstitious, mawkish drotchels so many times that these accusations no longer have any sting. Epicmafia honestly continues to employ such insults because it's run out of logical arguments. I suppose an alternate explanation is that I have grown tired of watching the repeated handshakes and toothy smiles in front of television cameras and subsequently learning that nothing has truly changed. As always, Epicmafia is doing everything in its power to make me swallow its communications whole, without question or quibble. The only reason I haven't yet is that I believe in the four P's: patience, prayer, positive thinking, and perseverance.