I'v spent my entire life trying to master the arts of practical philosophy, such as trying to solve the great old question of if other people like yourself exist, how would you find them? For most people, it's fairly simple because the needs they have is simple, but, I'v never found anybody like myself. People like me aren't born, they are made, but, in a way so special that I'v never found a single person like me in my entire life no matter what I try to do. Today, I will write about what made me different.
My father always cared about money, but, I tried to tell him that it wasn't about the money, but, what you could use it for. He never understood me nor will he ever, but, you will, as I'v never had the words to express this.
When I was about seven or eight years old, I remember my mother would make me lunch and put it in a lunch box in the morning. It was normally more than what I needed. One time, a boy who had a poor family and hadn't eaten in a whole day, came to me and asked me to share my lunch. I wasn't a nice boy. I honestly didn't want to tell him yes nor did I feel any sense of moral obligation. Something inside of me, made me say yes merely because of the fact that I could. Before that moment, I'v always said no to everybody for everything and always fought other kids. Something happened the moment I gave the boy food to eat. He was extremely exited that he had food, but, in his excitement, he did something to me. I had a feeling I'v never felt before. I felt good because somebody else was happy with me. I felt loved. You might think that this is what made me who I am, but, that is where you are wrong.
I got older and knew that I liked when people were happy with me and loved me. It didn't make me a generous person too much, as most people didn't appreciate what I had done for them. I wasn't stupid; I knew this was because they didn't realize that I helped them. They were in a passive state of mind toward me. I learned how to deal with this. I would wait until people were completely broken and hopeless before helping them, as the last moments of their needs is when I helped them and made it personal. This was the moment I felt fulfilled. I felt happy because someone loved me, even if it wasn't sexual. What a mistake I had made, as I was addicted to people loving me and appreciating me. I knew waiting till the last moment to help them would always give me the most of what I wanted, more so than money or sexual pleasure ever could. Nobody knows this feeling except me.
Make no mistake; What I was doing was wrong. Even if they loved me, what I didn't realize is that I loved them as well. I loved them and didn't want to lose them, as they made me feel complete. There is no woman I'v ever met that I could say I would rather have over this feeling. I didn't realize what I had until one day, I waited too long. I waited till the last second of failed to help someone I loved no matter how hard I tried. This was the worst feeling anybody could ever have; Losing someone you loved without realizing you loved them until it was too late.
You may ask yourself how I could love someone merely because they appreciated me, but you see, they became my friend for the things I did for them and I made them happy. This wasn't sex. This was something different. See, most people wouldn't have appreciated what I did for them because they don't understand the help I give them until the last second of their troubles. Most people, like I said, wouldn't understand, nor would they be able to pull off what I did, but, unlike other people who seek sexual pleasures, I seek pleasure that they have never known. How do I continue helping people at the last minute if I can lose them? How do I continue helping people before the last minute if they won't like me for it?
Now ask yourself something. Would you rather risk losing someone you know you would love in order to have the love they have to give you or would you rather help them and know they will never love you as you desire, but, you still need their love? This is not a drug that you can see, but, a drug you take when you get a reward from good deeds. Because nobody sees the drug, nobody takes it, but, it's there. You may try it, but, it has no effect unless you take it at the last moment you could possibly take it.