Por dentro: ondas de mares. Push and pull. Push and pull. Push and pull. Por fuera. Stillness. Llamas por dentro. Lloros por dentro. Profundo. Por dentro. This candle will not burn until ending.
9) E and I were buying items at a store that looked half like a colmado, half like a pharmacy. 10) I think in this dream, this partially open area store was supposed to represent another colmado I had dreamt about once, a made up combination of many real colmados I'd been to, and this dream occurred sometime within the past year/year and a half. 11) I think this colmado was meant to represent the Nueva York colmado down the hill, where the 5 of us would always buy chips, marshmallows, and red rock 12) You weren't there with the 3 of us in the store at any point in this dream, the place where we were getting your supplies was something like an emergency store/locker room. It morphed into the colmado. 13) Your brother asked me what I was helping you do. I told him. I didn't realize what this dream was really about until I was at work. 14) Holding this younger version of you in my arms was one of the happiest and most peaceful moments I've ever had in a dream. I was doing my job and taking care of you. I was able to get you what you needed. I had done right by you and I guess by our family. This was the alternate universe where I did everything right and your life never went to that place. And no one's life went to that place. 15) You left the dream by getting on the train, the same train, and leaving. Alone. 16) In the video, you are also seen from above, and you are facing upward. Your eyes are closed. You do not know the day from the night. You cannot tell which stars are above you anymore.
1) You were interred last week 2) The video started sweet and ended on a sour and heart breaking note 3) Last night you, me, and your brother were in a dream together. 4) In that dream you were packing up, and I was helping you load supplies. 5) At one point in the dream we were both on the train 6) At another point I was cradling you, as one might with a baby or small child 7) In this dream you were maybe 13 years old, around the age I remember you best. Around the age I moved to DR. 8) You looked up and smiled at me while I held you
I can't make the Universe stop looking so warped!!!!! I don't know how to fix this and accepting that I can't is awful. I want something to blame and I have very valid things to blame but they won't help because you're just gone. I don't want any of this to be about me and I feel sick for being on both the side that says I need to find a healthy way to grieve and the side that says who the hell are you to feel like you're entitled to everything this is making you feel?
My hope is that if you go somewhere when it's over, that everyone there is in the same place. That They Dream By Day, all in Limbo, where just like here, anything might happen, except the worst thing that could. Except the worst thing that did.
Maybe... maybe that's what this all is. I mean I had the world best figured out when all I understood was the universe's echo, calling back and forth to me, into itself, and saying "this is it! all around you is all truth, even if it's an alteration of something." and that's it! I don't think when I was listening to those two men speak earlier today about how the death of oneself was not the cessation of that existence that I would be clinging to it tonight. I'm clinging to time now.
I had time with you, and then we grew up and went in different ways because I had privileges and access you would never. You and your brother went into what was most available and appealing to you and your need(s) for survival and I mostly drifted, occasionally putting in enough work in this form to float right on that line of "yep, still alive i guess."
Balilo, I wish things had been different. I don't know if you can sense any of if it you're anywhere beyond this but I love you. I love the 5 of us playing pretend as kids. I love you and your brother and your cousin making fun of how I walked when I was going through weird older kid metamorphosis and cabin fever induced weight gain. I love making you cry when I was 6/7/8 because I could beat you in a fight. I love the 5 of us taking care of bunnies and making a secret club just for the act of doing that exact thing. I love you living in the little shack behind what eventually became our house. I love you being kind of a jerk but not when it hurt your brother who was always treated worse for being darker. I love you when you were being the funny jerk. I love you.
I walk on stars, near stars, through stars, beneath them. I watch the skin rise and redden. I melt in your warmth. And when I am conscious again I see how far you actually are. I see your light and forget that it is not as close as it looks. I reach for an ocean, a blanket. I look around me. Everything will reach me when I can no longer take it. I forgot how dark and cold this is.
In the most /s/ecret /s/ector of /s/pace, I might live Beyond Any Doubt.
Gods of war have trained you into this. When Mars strikes, you must follow suit, Venus. The sun warms you and you burn me. I'm losing my devotion. I'm netted in guilt and good, who in turn are ensnared in time and learning. Watch out for the winking eye of the demon star.
Somewhere on Earth, in the farthest corner of a bedroom, Oort Cloud begins to take you Home.
I had a nightmare last night. In it, unlike in most, I was left unharmed. No one came after me, I didn't have to save anyone, and I was in no immediate danger. In a lot of ways, this made it worse. My deepest apprehensions became my reality and I was comfortable. All of the things I fight so hard against began to feel like the warm bed and blankets that cocooned me in /this/ reality. What in waking life would be a Ceres of unfortunate events and decisions felt safe in my slumber. In every way, this made it more dangerous. And I chose to contend with none of it when I awoke.
We turned the sky into a map. Sometimes it's hard not to believe that it's just a projection, and to accept that these are real bodies that existed in that manner at a certain point in time. Some rounder, some oblong, some larger, some smaller, but all bright dots, about the same from way down. I always hope that one day before I return to them, we'll be able to see what these stars and these galaxies look like now. And will you be caught up with me then? Because I don't want to be alone and alone means without you there in the future. Suspended in the inverse of this time, where we are seen years in the past from far away.
I want to find forgiveness in my heart. I want to accept apologies and know that they are true and that I am true when I say "I forgive you." I don't have that in me.
Like Pluto, I, too, have a moveable heart with tides that push and pull and pull and pull and pull and pull.
Sending Postcards from a Plane Crash (Wishing You Were Here)
The human quest to see and understand the universe is the only pure effort I see in them anymore and as long as the mystery is there, and the fact of not being alone here remains unconfirmed, I trust this cross-continental building to never topple. And I am heartbroken, for the way win which mirrors lie and the truth of never being able to see ourselves. Gaia may try, but any true image of these Earthlings' cosmic nest from the outside will only ever be a rendering. And any truer image from the inside, a composite.
I am suspended in midair, or mid-space rather, held in place by a gravitational pull to my sun, real and imagined. As it rises and sets and rises and sets and I, too, expand, the truth of what is good and what is evil becomes muddled. I am suspended as an outsider looking at and not in. I observe as a giant in an astronomical Museum, a Great Hall of observable universal happenstance, looking at a curious marble, and not as a Higher Form from a pedestal. I do not feel power over the marble; I do not understand it. I scorn the Titans for their words, and for being told what is right and what is wrong and who is right and who is wrong and never offered the privilege of my own insight. And would I have come to the same conclusions without this cosmic bias?
I just miss how it felt before the world was big. (Girlpool)
The Earth Geeks have discovered Mars's depression. I'm personally getting very tired of those nosy earthlings and their rudeness. The complete disregard for Mars's mental health is unfortunate. As for what's going on with them, Mars is being distant, and has been for a while. In another eon, I would be upset. But so goes the universe. The planets will do what they do, and their beings will, too. There is too much always happening to be expelling energy into forces that will only absorb and never return. Worse, still, is when that energy is repelled, but cannot come back to you. Potential comes and potential goes. This is the nature of many things.
And in my nature, at this moment, Polaris sings to my heart. A song about how She Is Staggering.
The Moon's ego is particularly inflated tonight. The Earth stated her discomfort but the Moon was like "I'm just trying to talk. What? You can't have a conversation?"
The Earth cried.
Me and Your Mama by Childish Gambino began playing.
