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deletedabout 8 years

idk if this is the right place to put this but idk where else

i'm sorry to everyone who warned me for months. i'm sorry to everyone i ignored. i'm sorry for saying "i know him better than that, he's not like that." i'm sorry to anyone i hurt or said anything bad about because i was being gaslit.

i've finally come to the realization that i was abused and used for roughly five months and i can't decide whether i'm more enraged or depressed about it right now. but i feel physically sick and i'm shaking with rage right now.

i was led to believe that people on this site were terrible. i was isolated from almost everyone else on here. i am a very kind and forgiving person by nature and i had that side of me taken advantage of. i was manipulated and made into someone i wasn't. i was lied to time and time again and i believed it all. when i finally got sick of it and left, i believed him when he said he was sorry. i even apologized for leaving. i did. i had nothing to be sorry about.

i'm so sorry to everyone. if i was ever mean to you or hurt you or made you uncomfortable, i'm so sorry. i love you all so much.

deletedabout 8 years
good lord this is getting ridiculous

i guess this is now my thread for when i want to address the sandbox community about all my problems. this is a mess and unnecessary i know but idk i just want to clear the air.

so earlier in chatbox i was heated to say the least. i was very suicidal. weirdly though, it's been about an hour since then and i'm.....100% fine. this happens A LOT. i go through really intense mood swings where one minute i think everything is terrible my life is awful and i need to kill myself right this second, and thirty minutes later i'm like "that was nothing, i'm completely fine."

i know terry kind of addressed all this sort of weird stuff in the suicide thread but i think this is the piece he may be missing: people who are depressed/suicidal have errors in perception. we perceive things through blue-tinted lenses. everything is negative.

i can already tell someone is about to say "just be positive!" buddy, i wish it were that easy.

i don't know how to fix this about myself. it's gonna probably be a combination of medication, therapy, and a loooot of hard work on my end but also a looooot of patience and understanding from the people around me.

i'm opening myself up and making myself vulnerable in the hopes that this will help you all understand my line of thinking in some way. however if it doesn't, then to some extent it isn't my problem anymore, it's yours.

the fact of the matter is that this is who i am. i can only do so much to change it (and i am trying), but i need the patience and care of those around me to not 100% carry me, but to be the safety net when i can't carry myself and need a little help. i don't "expect" anything from anyone. but for me to get better, it would be beneficial if people are reasonable and understanding with the way i feel and how i act sometimes.

alright uh. that's it for now. sigh.
deletedabout 8 years
an addition: it has come to my attention that some people think i'm manipulative and i would like to address that:

when i say that i love everyone and try to be kind to everyone, it's not because i'm trying to get something. i legitimately just want to be nice to people.

not only that, but the two major situations i've been involved with on EM were ones where i was the one being manipulated, first by jimbei and then by eris.

i'm a person who is concerned about my image, as vain as it may sound. i don't like it when people dislike me and i want to work to earn their good opinion. i'm a person who needs validation and i'm okay with admitting that because there's nothing wrong with it. i hate to hear that people think i'm mean in some way because i never want to hurt anyone unless they've done something bad.

anyway uh i guess that's all i have to say. if anyone wants to talk or anything, feel free to pm me or message me on skype and you can be honest with me if you want to help me improve.

thanks guys. take care. <3