Dear Users of Epicmafia.com

It has been brought to my attention as of late that there have been issues regarding love triangles… er, squares…. er, pentagons…. on our beloved Java mafia gaming site. We’ve heard of this story before, users spending a little too long on Skype together leading to the blossoming of beautiful E-Relationships which almost surely then leads to the glorious procreative power of E-Sex, but that is where it all ends. The issues begin to creep in, the honeymoons come to an end. Then what? It is my earnest hope that in this article I can delve a little deeper into “The Mind of a Lovesick Internet Troll.”

Before I dive into the juicy gossip, I’d like to ponder on some statistics about E-Dating. Upon some digging, I found some interesting numbers.

➢ It is estimated that about 20% of the current committed relationships in the world began online.

➢ 10% of sex offenders use online dating to meet people.

➢ Women lie most about: Weight, Physical Build, Age

➢ Men lie most about: Age, Height, Income

➢ 2 spelling errors in a man’s profile will reduce the chances of a response from a woman by 14% (Spelling errors by women don’t affect their chances of getting a response).

Now that those intriguing statistics are out of the way, let’s get down to the nitty gritty.

Let me lay down the scene and the usual suspects:

• Matt, aka Soda, the 20 year old King of alts from New Mexico.
• Jen , aka Mindful, the 22 year old bitc*y Latina from New York.
• Michael, aka Blister, the 18 year old British weeb.
• Sinead, aka Sineadiio, the 16 year old troll-in-training from Australia.
• Harrold, aka Roadman, the 28 year old lord of trolls from Wales.

What I am about to out, my friends and fellow users, is not pretty; please, buckle up.

It doesn’t take an ace detective and private investigator like myself to realize that Soda and Sinead have been close friends from the start. Soda has been known to employ what I consider “The Mori Tactic”, that being constantly berating those you enjoy most on the site, because what’s funnier than calling your friends trash and ‘Bronze Tier’? (This insult is in reference to the Trophy system implemented into Epicmafia.com ‘s competitive rounds).

Rumors began to fly that Soda had once again found his true love, and they even grew larger when his alternate account Transcend was “in love” with Sinead. As Soda and Sinead continued to play and troll Epicmafia.com together in games they labeled “PODRACES”, answers were needed. To the surprise of many, Soda and Sinead are “just friends” and both deny having plans or intent to take that friendship towards romance.

Now things get interesting. During this time that Sinead and Soda were found openly trolling all over the site, Sinead was also seen many times out and about with Epicmafia.com user Michael. But to some people, this trolling was different. I decided to take to the Skype wire in order to do some investigating.

When asked about the public’s perception of Michael and Sinead cerca three weeks ago, user Gerry had this to say:

“Sinead and Michael were different XDDDDD With Soda you could tell it was a brother-sister relationship, but Sinead was different with Michael, there was a spark.”

User Pamda also had some words:

“The difference was blatant, they liked each other. Beyond friendship. (^: ”

And yes, my friends, indeed theirs was a different. One warm spring night, Michael sent “the message” to Sinead,

“Hey Sinead, I like you.”

“Me too, Michael.”

And there it was, just like every other middle school relationship begins, Michael and Sinead were “a thing”. When asked about the honeymoon stage of their relationship (which covers about an 18 hour frame due to the relationship only lasting 9 days) Blister said, “It was great bro. We love trolling.”

But, like every good fairy tale E-Relationship, Michael and Sinead quickly found themselves on the rocks. “Michael and Mindful started playing heaps of games together and Michael would openly flirt with her in front of me,” reported Sinead. And indeed, it was true. Upon investigation of Michael, Sinead, and Mindful’s games, the flirt was real. Sinead’s worst fear was realized. 9 days into E-Dating, Sinead messaged Michael after a particularly flirty game of Epicmafia between Michael and Mindful and asked if his behavior signified his intent to end the relationship, to which Michael responded to Sinead informing her that indeed it was his intent to end the relationship.

Sinead and Michael have both denied my requests to out the break-up message.

As Sinead lay in the wake of a break-up, Michael continued to pursue Mindful. But how did Michael and Mindful come to know each other? Mindful explains:

“So Krystal introduced me to Michael. Like, she tried to hook us up.”

When Michael was interviewed regarding his reasons for going after Mindful he had this to say:

“I like ’s, what can I say (Michael is 18 and Mindful is 22). I prefer my wine to be aged.”

Michael’s hot pursuit for Mindful, though, barely was a pursuit. It only took a matter of days before Mindful moved onto her new man, Roadman. As Sinead, and all of us, awaited Michael and Mindful’s grand union, new rumors hit the forums as Mindful was seen posting on Vilden and SNK’s AMA thread: “I want your opinion on me and Harrold.” Around this same time, Roadman was seen leaving comments on Mindful’s profile: “I love you.”

The public has responded differently to the new power couple of Mindful and Roadman. TheMagicalMagikarp, a well-known Epicmafia user hiding behind an alt, had this to say:

‘’The love story between mindful and Roadman is actually a worse love story than Twilight’’.

Meanwhile, Mori was seen speaking with a fellow DUFFs,

“Pendejos son…. Jajaja mentiras. La verdad…. El amor me hace muy feliz. Estoy muy feliz por ellos.”

In contrast, Krystal exclaims that she was “Team Jen!” in reference to her being happy as long as her friend Jen is. Mindful herself said “Krystal, you are my cupid. Whenever I need a boyfriend, I’ll come to you.” Krystal, in fact, is credited with creating both the Michael/Mindful relationship and the Roadman/Mindful relationship.

Krystal, in an attempt to play matchmaker, set up both meetings. “I initially tried to hook up Michael with Mindful.” And it was working, until one day Krystal was relishing in Mindful’s sometimes ditzy way of being in front of Harry, which somehow attracted Harry. Harry wanted to meet Mindful, so Krystal added them to a chat together.

When Mindful was asked to comment on her recent relationship with Michael, she had a lot to say,

“No.”

So, where do we stand today? Michael is left in an awkward situation to say the least.

“I have known Mindful for a while, I have always liked her, but I never felt reciprocation. She called me an ugly monkey every day, so I forgot about her. I liked Sinead and she liked me so we dated. But THEN Krystal comes along and told me that Mindful felt the same way, “ Michael says regarding his break-up with Sinead to go after Mindful “So at that point, I just went for it. But now look. I’m cucked. I’m back at square one, single. With nobody. Girls suck.”

As for Mindful and Harry, there is said to be plans for Harry to come to the U.S in the coming months. It could be true love! What an interesting tale. A 16 year old likes an 18 year old who likes a 22 year old who likes a 28 year old. When asked about this, Harry had one thing to say: “Everyone loves an older man, Jeff.” And Mindful, being interested in men of all ages explains it simply, “Meat is meat.”