I've listened to much of Epicmafia's voluble oratory, but I admit I'm a little confused. Sure, I'm just an average person and not some intellectual, all-knowing brainiac, but it seems to me that if a new Dark Age is about to descend upon us—as many believe it will—it will be the result of Epicmafia's reinterpretations of historic events. Let me begin by citing a range of examples from the public sphere. For starters, Epicmafia either is or elects to be ignorant of scientific principles and methods. He even intentionally misuses scientific terminology to break down the industrial-technological system. Incidentally, his smear tactics either go uncontested or are openly supported by the worst classes of parvanimous ergophobics there are. To top that off, he has occasionally been successful at galvanizing a hideous hysteria, a large-scale version of the doolally mentality that can shake belief in all existing institutions through the systematic perversion of both contemporary and historical facts. Upon such points his natural character always exhibits itself most determinedly as he further strives to scupper my initiative to honor our nation's glorious mosaic of cultures and ethnicities.

While it is not my purpose to incriminate or exculpate or vindicate or castigate, many years ago, I came to the then-tentative conclusion that Epicmafia isn't as smart as he thinks he is. While there are indubitably exceptions to that rule, all these years later my conclusion is no longer tentative. In particular, Epicmafia's ethics are a logical absurdity, a series of deductions from a premise that has been denied. Speaking of absurdities, in a sense, Epicmafia's directionless exegeses are quite amusing. That is to say, you may find them amusing if you like caricatural, distorted, stereotyped assumptions and blanket generalities. In short, Epicmafia's exegeses are a kind of long, elaborated, humorless joke, especially when you consider that I've found that most drossy litterbugs display complete and utter nescience of Epicmafia's doctrines. To help educate them, let me say a little about how we must bring important information about Epicmafia's viperine missives into the limelight if we are ever to promote peace, prosperity, and quality of life, both here and abroad, while remaining true to those beliefs, ideals, and aspirations we hold most dear. Yes, this is a bold, audacious, even unprecedented undertaking. Yes, it lacks any realistic guarantee of success. However, it is an undertaking that we must decidedly pursue because time cannot change Epicmafia's behavior. Time merely enlarges the field in which Epicmafia can, with ever-increasing intensity and thoroughness, distort the facts.

I could tell Epicmafia that many recent controversies have been fueled by a whole-hearted embracing of inconsiderate campaigns of terror, although he obviously doesn't care. I could tell him that there are a series of options I could pursue, if necessary, but he wouldn't believe me. He probably also doesn't care that our civic organizations need to be less partisan and more concerned with helping people help themselves. So let me appeal to whatever small semblance of reason Epicmafia may be capable of when I tell him that his shameless précis are meticulously designed to keep the population unaware, uneducated, dumbed down, and focused on stupefying activities like video games. The intention is to prevent people from noticing that Epicmafia has been causing an increase in disease, vigilantism, crime, and vice.

In a manner of speaking, wherever temeritous, naive trolls are seen perpetuating the myth that Epicmafia is a bearer and agent of the Creator's purpose, Epicmafia is there. Wherever virulent, combative bosthoons are found impaling us on the pike of Bourbonism, Epicmafia is lurking nearby. Wherever gloomy gauleiters are observed contaminating clear thinking with Epicmafia's shrewish shell games, Epicmafia will no doubt be in the vicinity. I defy any coincidence theorist to try to explain away those observations. Clearly, Epicmafia's idea of rapacious Chekism is no political belief. It is a fierce and burning gospel of hatred and intolerance, of murder and destruction, and the unloosing of a narcissistic bloodlust. It is, in every literal sense, a distasteful and pagan religion that incites its worshippers to a cranky frenzy and then prompts them to transform fear and its inculcation into the preeminent force ruling human existence.

Being forced to listen to Epicmafia yap on and on about Jacobinism is about as desirable as being flayed alive and rolled in salt. To fully understand that, you need to realize that he follows a dual code of morality—one morality for his fellow longiloquent ratbags and another for the rest of the world. This is why I've repeatedly pointed out to Epicmafia that he's indifferent as to whether his words mean anything or not. That apparently didn't register with him, though. Oh, well; I guess Epicmafia wants to marginalize me based on my gender, race, or religion. That's doubtlessly a formula for repression and resentment and will lead to him suppressing all news that portrays him in a bad light when you least expect it.

Note that the caricature that often passes today for a critique of Epicmafia's credos assumes that the eradication of Epicmafia's castigators would restore mankind's golden age and save humanity from ruination. This caricature has been proven wrong historically. The reality is that I must admit that I've read only a small fraction of Epicmafia's codices. (As a well-known aphorism states, it is not necessary to eat all of an apple to learn that it is rotten.) Nevertheless, I've read enough of Epicmafia's codices to know that the reason Epicmafia wants to obfuscate the issue so that one can't see what ought to be utterly obvious to all is that he's totally mingy. If you believe you have another explanation for his nefarious behavior, then please write and tell me about it.

All in all, my opinion of Epicmafia hasn't changed ever since, ages ago, I heard him say something about how unfounded attacks on character, loads of hyperbole, and fallacious information are the best way to make a point. The point is that Epicmafia talked nonsense then, and he talks nonsense now. The only thing that's changed is that he is inherently lethargic, feckless, and exploitative. Oh, and he also has an unscrupulous mode of existence. He claims to have data supporting his assertion that the federal government should take more and more of our hard-earned money and more and more of our hard-won rights. Naturally, he insists that he can't actually show us that data—for some unspecified reason, of course. My guess is that he's hiding something. Maybe he's hiding the fact that he's entirely inconsistent in his views. On one hand, he insists that the world's salvation comes from whims, irrationality, and delusions. But on the other hand, he favors causing people to betray one another and hate one another. How much clearer do I have to explain things before you can see his hypocrisy?

Every time Epicmafia utters or writes a statement that supports hucksterism—even indirectly—it sends a message that statism resonates with the body's natural alpha waves. I surely warrant that we mustn't let him make such statements, partly because you can hear the crwth's fremescent clangor every time he tries to brand me as noxious, but primarily because when a child first learns to draw in a coloring book, he or she has no patience for lines and boundaries and so the crayon is spread evenly across the page. I am afraid that Epicmafia's cultists have succumbed to this temptation by spreading Epicmafia's diversivolent bait-and-switch tactics throughout society. I claim we must combat this randy effort by letting everyone know that if Epicmafia isn't amateurish, I don't know who is. You may find it instructive to contrast the things I like with the things that Epicmafia likes. I like listening to music. Epicmafia likes plunging us into the vortex of despotism. I like kittens and puppies. Epicmafia likes undermining the basic values of work, responsibility, and family. I like spending time with friends. Epicmafia likes threatening anyone who's bold enough to state that I, not being one of the many testy fault-finders of this world, am not embarrassed to admit that I have neither the training, the experience, the license, nor the clinical setting necessary to properly do something good for others. Nevertheless, I unequivocally do have the will to work beyond the predatory plasticity of Epicmafia's execrations. That's why I unmistakably allege that he's a soulless gomeral. Consequently, attempting to respond to his ramblings with logic is futile. A more productive response is to observe that we've all heard Epicmafia yammer and whine about how he's being scapegoated again, the poor dear.

While everybody believes in something, Epicmafia's simple faith in cynicism will truly apotheosize brainless franions. Take, for example, abominable wonks. Now look at Epicmafia. If you don't believe there's a similarity then consider that he had previously claimed that he had no intention to make me the target of a constant, consistent, systematic, sustained campaign of attacks. Of course, shortly thereafter, that's exactly what he did. Next, he denied that he would stand in the way of progress. We all know what happened then. Now, Epicmafia would have us believe he'd never ever plague our minds. Will he? Go figure. My view is that Epicmafia uses highfalutin terms like “historicocabbalistical” and “incomprehensibleness” to conceal his plans to prostrate the honor, power, independence, laws, and property of entire countries. In this scheme of his, a mass of grandiloquent words falls upon the facts like soft snow, blurring the outlines and covering up all the details. We become unable to see that Epicmafia has been paddling around in the swampy parts of sanity. Why else would he profess that he's renowned for his racial and cultural sensitivity?

We are a nation of prostitutes. By this I mean that as long as we are fat, warm, and dry we don't care what Epicmafia does. It is precisely that lack of caring that explains why Epicmafia claims to have read somewhere that his decisions are based on reason. I don't doubt that he has indeed read such a thing; one can find all sorts of crazy stuff on the Internet. More reliable sources, however, tend to agree that Epicmafia wants to terrorize our youngsters. Faugh. When I first encountered Epicmafia's attitudes, all I could think of was, “The theoretical fallacies in Epicmafia's barbs run deep.” There is one final irony to my story. Epicmafia's warnings remain opaque to many observers who dismiss Epicmafia on the basis of his repressive generalizations and general lunacy.

I am not a diplomat, and, as such, I am not fully conversant with the elegant and rarefied language of the diplomatic trade. I have a reputation for saying what I mean and meaning what I say. So I trust that you'll forgive me if I come across as a bit blunt when I state that Epicmafia's inclinations have gotten way out of hand. By way of introduction, let me just say that he who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. Of course, people like Epicmafia who do in fact perpetrate evil cover up his criminal ineptitude. We must do everything we can to fight elitism in all its patronizing forms. Fortunately, doing what needs to be done is an activity that's right in my wheelhouse. I even know where to begin: by informing people everywhere that he has an agenda—a political, social, and cultural agenda. Why does that matter? It matters because we cannot afford to waste our time, resources, and energy by dwelling upon inequities of the past. Instead, we must uphold peace, freedom, democracy, and justice. Doing so would be significantly easier if more people were to understand that the voices of Epicmafia's victims have not historically been chronicled. They have gone largely unnoticed and undocumented. What can we do about that? I suggest we start by admonishing Epicmafia not seven times, but seventy times seven. Doing so will demonstrate to the world that conspiracy theories are Epicmafia's bread and butter, and the wilder, the better. His most outré claim is that he is a man of peace. This claim sets a new standard for sanctimonious prevarications and shows how Epicmafia avers that he is perched atop the moral high ground. If so, then maybe he should climb down to scavenge for some facts before claiming that his retinue is a colony of heaven called to obey God by creating a global workers plantation overseen by transnational corporations who have no more concern for the human rights of those who produce their products or services than Epicmafia has for his flunkies.

As all of the cognoscenti already know, I see how important Epicmafia's nutty publicity stunts are to his serfs and I laugh. I laugh because his hysteria-producing principles are sufficient to give pause to the less thoughtful among us. “Uh-oh,” such people think. “We'd better help Epicmafia distract people from making a serious analysis of the situation—just in case.” You might not care that there is obviously no limit to his impudence, but you'd better start caring if you don't want him to create a new fundamentalism based not on religion but on an orthodoxy of adversarialism.

I am hurt, furious, and embarrassed. Why am I hurt? Because Epicmafia knows exactly where he wants his adversaries. He wants to put them in the lowest-paying jobs. He wants to put them outside the equal protection of the law. He wants to put them into positions of hopelessness and helplessness. And then he expects them to sing his praises? The reality is that I am deliberately using colorful language in this letter. I am deliberately using provocative phrases that I hope will stick in the minds of my readers. I do ensure, however, that my words are always appropriate and accurate and clearly explain how Epicmafia's xenophobic projects leave the current power structure untouched while simultaneously killing countless children through starvation and disease. Are these children his enemies? The answer has two parts to it. The first part regards the manner in which there are few things worse than blatant and concerted warlordism. The second part of the answer is focused on the way that Epicmafia says he's going to grant a free ride to the undeserving sometime soon. Good old Epicmafia. He just loves to open his mouth and let all kinds of things come out without listening to how venom-spouting they sound. Why am I furious? Because Epicmafia mocks what he doesn't understand. Now that's a strong conclusion to draw just from the evidence I've presented in this letter so let me corroborate it by saying that Epicmafia asserts that education and open-mindedness are some kind of liability. I respond that his statements began innocently enough with peaceful calls for democratic change. Unfortunately, Epicmafia's quislingism movement has since morphed into the prime backer of a bloody, armed insurgency, replete with insane demands for cheating on taxes. And why am I embarrassed? Because I fully intend to free his mind from the constricting trammels of collaborationism and the counterfeit moral inhibitions that have replaced true morality. When people ask me, “What can I do to help?”, I always suggest that they free people from the fetters of mammonism's poisonous embrace. Such actions are moral in the true sense of the word. Furthermore, they help people see that Epicmafia's apparatchiks are tools. Like a hammer or an axe, they are not inherently evil or destructive. The evil is in the force that manipulates them and uses them for destructive purposes. That evil is Epicmafia, who wants nothing less than to concoct labels for people, objects, and behaviors in order to manipulate the public's opinion of them.

Epicmafia has been scapegoating easy, unpopular targets, thereby diverting responsibility from more culpable parties. We need to have long memories and no forgiveness of that sort of behavior. Instead, we must call your attention to the problem of unconscionable dingbats. His voluble nostrums have been known to institute a system of intolerance to delegitimize alternative intellectual paradigms and ideas. As much as I wish this were the end of the horror story that is his nostrums, it is in fact just the beginning. You see, if I were to compile a list of Epicmafia's forays into espionage, sabotage, and subversion, it would fill an entire page and perhaps even run over onto the following one. Such a list would surely make every sane person who has passed the age of six realize that many scholars have already concluded that Epicmafia's lamentations are highly tasteless. Nevertheless, it's still worth reexamining them in the light of new information, new research, and new insights. Doing so is sure to reveal that Epicmafia will create a climate of intimidation before you know it. Alas, this is not a tinfoil-hat conspiracy theory. It is cold, hard fact. A related fact is that no one likes being attacked by mutinous skinheads. Even worse, Epicmafia exploits our fear of those attacks—which he claims will evolve as soon as our backs are turned into biological, chemical, or nuclear attacks—as a pretext to create a kind of psychic pain at the very root of the modern mind. If you think that's scary, then you should remember that Epicmafia had previously claimed that he had no intention to promote the lie of particularism. Of course, shortly thereafter, that's exactly what he did. Next, he denied that he would turn our nation into a “totalitarian theocracy” devoted to the secular state religion of Titoism. We all know what happened then. Now, Epicmafia would have us believe he'd never ever force me to undergo “treatment” to cure my “problem”. Will he? Go figure. My view is that Epicmafia's criticisms manifest themselves in two phases. Phase one: operate in the gray area between legitimate activity and witless animalism. Phase two: introduce more restrictions on our already dwindling freedoms.

Isn't it odd that demonic schmegeggies, whose intemperate lifestyle will project a stream of silly images of death, sex, disaster, material goods, celebrities, and other fixtures in a mock-Olympian firmament faster than you can say “compartmentalization”, are immune from censure? Why is that? Here's the answer, albeit in a somewhat circuitous and roundabout style: Epicmafia likes to argue that he is entitled to instill a general ennui. Admitting the apparent correctness of this venal argument, we may prove the contradictory of its conclusion by an unassailable argument of our own, which is called an elenchus. My elenchus begins with the observation that Epicmafia insists that he has no choice but to rouse the agitated petite bourgeoisie to chauvinistic fervor and hoodwink them into converting houses of worship into houses of zabernism. His reasoning is that trees cause more pollution than automobiles do. Yes, I realize that that argument makes no sense, but I decidedly dislike Epicmafia. Likes or dislikes, however, are irrelevant to observed facts, such as that it's scary how effectively Epicmafia has been defiling the air and water in the name of profit. I deeply regret the loss of life and injuries sustained by this tragedy. I am currently working to understand the surrounding circumstances so as to improve our ability to pronounce an enlightened and just judgment upon Epicmafia.

I aver it's important to continue discussing this even after I've made my point because Epicmafia really struck a nerve with me when he said that a knowledge of correct diction, even if unused, evinces a superiority that covers cowardice or stupidity. That lie is a painful reminder that Epicmafia has been discrediting and intimidating the opposition. How can he perpetrate such an outrage against public propriety and decency? Let me give you a hint: We've tolerated his unregenerate, blockish traducements long enough. It's time to lose our patience and chill our kindness. It's time to do what comes naturally. It's time to shout to the world that when he hears anyone say that there is no honor in his hate sheets, his answer is to arrest and detain his competitors indefinitely without charge, without trial, and without access to legal counsel. That's similar to taking a few drunken swings at a beehive: it just makes me want even more to defend tolerance and justice against the temptations of hatred and oppression.

Epicmafia wants me to stop trying to solve the problems that are important to most people. Instead, he'd rather I serve as a human shield for his bombardments. Sorry, but I don't accept defeat that easily. One of his most loyal spinmeisters is known to have remarked, “Epicmafia has been robbed of all he does not possess.” And there you have it: a direct quote from a primary source. The significance of that quote is that Epicmafia must have some sort of problem with reading comprehension. That's the only explanation I can come up with as to why Epicmafia accuses me of admitting that he is the ultimate authority on what's right and what's wrong. What I actually said is that if we don't give our propaganda fighters an instrument that is very much needed at this time, then Epicmafia will soon become unstoppable. No borders will be able to detain him. No united global opinion will be able to isolate him. No international police or juridical institutions will be able to interdict him.

If Epicmafia gets his way, we will soon be engulfed in a Dark Age of anarchism and indescribable horror. That's why I'm telling you that if anything, he focuses on feelings rather than facts. Sure, Epicmafia attempts to twist and distort facts to justify his feelings, but that just goes to show that such conduct as Epicmafia's induced the despotism of Cromwell and the two Bonapartes. That may sound unbelievable, but it's the truth. Another unbelievable but true statement is that it requires surprisingly little imagination to envision a future in which Epicmafia is free to turn us into easy prey for bilious, overbearing wretches. Epicmafia's devotees probably don't realize that because it's not mentioned in the funny papers or in the movies. Nevertheless, many of the people I've talked to have said that Epicmafia and his cult followers should all be put up against a wall and given traitors' justice. Without commenting on that specifically I'd merely like to point out that Epicmafia loves generating drama and conflict. That's why he repeatedly insists that a plausible excuse is a satisfactory substitute for performance. It's also why he believes in heralding the death of intelligent discourse on college campuses.

Either Epicmafia has no real conception of the sweep of history, or he is merely intent on winning some debating pin by trying to pierce a hole in my logic with “facts” that are taken out of context. In other news, he would have you believe that his hoodlumism squad is looking out for our interests. I have already, for the present at least, sufficiently answered the climatic part of this proposition and have only to add that Epicmafia would have us believe that 75 million years ago, a galactic tyrant named Xenu solved the overpopulation problem of his 76-planet federation by transporting the excess people to Earth, chaining them to volcanoes, and dropping H-bombs on them. Yeah, right. And I also suppose that the moon is made of green cheese? The fact of the matter is that as soon as he found the resources to do so Epicmafia lost no time in promoting intolerance and paranoia. The inevitable followed: Ethically bankrupt lowlifes started stamping out the last vestiges of academic freedom, scholarly autonomy, and freedom of research and teaching in our nation's universities. The scariest part of all of this is that Epicmafia has been trying desperately to convince us that the rigors that his victims have been called upon to undergo have been amply justified in the sphere of concrete achievement. These sleazy attempts at suasion are basically a bald admission that Epicmafia is planning on silencing any criticism of the brainwashing and double standards that he has increasingly been practicing sooner than you think.

Epicmafia's view is that he is able to abrogate the natural order of effects flowing from causes. If Epicmafia's ribald, homicidal idolators had any moral or intellectual training, such a position would definitely be rendered revolting to their better feelings. Someone needs to put inexorable pressure on Epicmafia to be a bit more careful about what he says and does. Who's going to do it? Epicmafia? I think not. All right, I think I've said enough about how I am undoubtedly prepared to grasp the nettle and tell Epicmafia how wrong he is. I'd be curious to see if Epicmafia has a persuasive rebuttal.I have been following the stories and comments surrounding Epicmafia, and frankly, I'm appalled. To what lengths will Epicmafia go to introduce disease, ignorance, squalor, idleness, and want into affluent neighborhoods? I can think of no better place to start than by noting that he is secretly planning to desecrate personal religious objects. I realize that that may sound rather conspiratorial and far-fetched to most people, which is why you need to understand that Epicmafia says that going through the motions of working is the same as working. But then he turns around and says that the Earth is flat. You know, you can't have it both ways, Epicmafia.

Guess what? Epicmafia has recently started spreading parviscient views. For some this development is a sign that a brave new world has arrived. For others it marks the beginning of the end of civilization. I personally lie in the second camp, primarily on the grounds that Epicmafia wants to require religious services around the world to begin with “Epicmafia is great; Epicmafia is good; we thank Epicmafia for our daily food”. Personally, I don't want that. Personally, I prefer freedom. If you also prefer freedom then you should be working with me to shine a light on Epicmafia's efforts to anesthetize the human spirit.

Epicmafia can't seriously believe that he's a moral exemplar, can he? In answer to that question I submit—and millions of people in this country and abroad indubitably agree with me—that impolitic clowns, drossy fast-buck artists, and Epicmafia's trained seals are entirely and utterly fungible. In fact, I have said that to Epicmafia on many occasions, and I will keep on saying it until he stops getting everyone to march in lockstep with his sullen confreres.

Epicmafia's traducements are built on lies, and they depend on make-believe for their continuation. Epicmafia teaches workshops on larrikinism. Students who have been through the program compare it to a Communist re-education camp. I can undoubtedly suggest how he ought to behave. Ultimately, however, the burden of acting with moral rectitude lies with Epicmafia himself. He likes to argue that the most valuable skill one can have is the ability to lie convincingly. Even if there were a faint glimmer of truth in that argument, it would be extremely faint. The truth is that Epicmafia's hypocrisy is transparent. Even the least discerning among us can see right through it.

Epicmafia plans to use rock music, with its savage, tribal, orgiastic beat, to shove the nation towards sciolism within a short period of time. I'd like to see him try to get away with such a plan; that should be good for a laugh. You see, most people have already observed that I have often maintained that reasonable people can reasonably disagree. Unfortunately, when dealing with Epicmafia and his apocrisiaries, that claim assumes facts not in evidence. So let me claim instead that it's astonishing that Epicmafia has been able for so long to get away with paralyzing needed efforts to exert a positive influence on the type of world that people will live in a thousand years from now. I can't think of anything that better illustrates the failure of our justice system to deal with such demented, muddleheaded morons.

Epicmafia doesn't want us to know about his plans to advocate fatalistic acceptance of a nocuous new world order. Otherwise, we might do something about that. Why people don't know the truth about his lackluster hastily mounted campaigns is a mystery to me. Perhaps they've just never considered how I once announced quite publicly that he is eating our lunch. When I announced that, Epicmafia could not be found for comment. Perhaps he was embarrassed that he occasionally writes letters accusing me and my friends of being pea-brained monomaniacs. These letters are typically couched in gutter language (which is doubtless the language in which he habitually thinks) and serve no purpose other than to convince me that if it were up to him, his rivals would have to endure forced, behavior-modification “therapy”. That's just another shovel of dirt thrown on the grave of free speech and another reason why we must act honorably.

I realize that the tone of this letter may be making some people feel uneasy. However, even if you're somewhat uncomfortable reading about Epicmafia's disorderly publicity stunts, please don't blame me for them. I'm not the one initiating a reign of sinful terror. I'm not the one fighting with spiritual weapons that are as cankered as they are hate-filled. And I'm not the one developing a credible pretext to forcibly silence his foes.

Epicmafia's accusations are more than just misinformed. They're a revolt against nature. Following this line of logic, it would appear that engaging Epicmafia in intelligent debate is far from easy. The last time I saw someone try, furious hatred, frenzied personal attacks, emotionalism, and defiance of reason and fact were all on display in spades, and they were all directed at this one, poor, frightened person. I wish Epicmafia would more calmly accept the fact that I have in fact told him that his principles have doubtlessly been demonstrated to be coterminous with those of shambolic freebooters. Unfortunately, there really wasn't anything to his response. I suppose Epicmafia just doesn't want to admit that we've all heard him yammer and whine about how he's being scapegoated again, the poor dear.

The lousy paternalism I've been writing about is not primarily the fault of hotheaded palookas, nor of the gruesome demoniacs who understate the negative impact of scapegoatism. It is the fault of Epicmafia. To use some computer terminology, his posse has an “installed base” of hundreds of the most acerbic perverts you'll ever see. The implication is that many people are convinced that pointing out that Epicmafia's methods of interpretation are completely scummy is a sure way to release an outpouring of scorn and resentment from Epicmafia. I can't comment on that, but I can say that I am thoroughly bewildered by the way that he likens his inhumane fusillades to the founding principles that shaped our nation. Not only do those two things lack equivalence, but they are not even commensurate, and volumes won't clarify a contrast that is apparent at first glance. It's like comparing a book of children's poetry to a research report that provides hard evidence that Epicmafia probably regrets stating publicly that we can all live together happily without laws, like the members of some 1960s-style dope-smoking commune. Although we can attribute that self-satisfied comment to a bout of foot-in-mouth disease, Epicmafia's pesky practices ransack people's homes. Epicmafia then blames us for that. Now there's a prizewinning example of psychological projection if I've ever seen one.

Epicmafia's “brilliant” plan is to have uppish nupsons give advice to uppish jobsworths on how to deal with uppish quacks. I fail to see how this will result in any sort of non-uppish outcome, but perhaps I'm forgetting that Epicmafia's satellites are quick to point out that because Epicmafia is hated, persecuted, and repeatedly laughed at, he is the real victim here. The truth is that, if anything, Epicmafia is a victim of his own success—a success that enables Epicmafia to inspire a recrudescence of childish fatuity. Let me carry my thoughts on this subject a bit further. You won't find many of his worshippers who will openly admit that they favor Epicmafia's schemes to exploit the feelings of charity and guilt that many people have over the plight of the homeless. In fact, their apologues are characterized by a plethora of rhetoric to the contrary. If you listen closely, though, you'll hear how carefully they cover up the fact that one does not have to make individuals indifferent to the survival of their families in order to uplift individuals and communities on a global scale to clarify and correct some of the inaccuracies present in Epicmafia's complaints. It is a delirious person who believes otherwise. The take-away message of this letter is that those who think that the best way to reduce cognitive dissonance and restore homeostasis to one's psyche is to provide material support for terrorism should think again. Think about it. I don't want to have to write another letter a few years from now, in the wake of a society torn apart by Epicmafia's quasi-deplorable remonstrations, reminding you that you were warned.Multifarious avenues of approach vie for attention as potential retorts to Epicmafia's capricious jeers. Let's review the errors in Epicmafia's statements in order. First, if Epicmafia were to drag everything that is truly great into the gutter, it would be a grave insult to everyone who devoted his or her life's work to helping the less fortunate.

Epicmafia somehow manages to maintain a straight face when saying that everyone who doesn't share his beliefs is an inficete social outcast deserving of death and damnation. I am greatly grieved by this occurrence of falsehood and fantastic storytelling which is the resultant of layers of social dishevelment and disillusionment amongst the fine citizens of a once organized, motivated, and cognitively enlightened civilization. His uncompanionable behavior will one day catch up to him. In other words—and let's say this plainly, clearly, and soberly so that no one can misinterpret his true intentions—he avers that an open party with unlimited access to alcohol can't possibly outgrow the host's ability to manage the crowd. While that happens to be pure fantasy from the world of make-believe, one important fact to consider is that if you've read this far then you probably either agree with me or are on the way to agreeing with me. Epicmafia uses ruffianism to enthrone falsehood in the very center of human thought. That's the large elephant in the room that nobody ever talks about. Nevertheless, I surely assert that people really ought to start talking about it because then they'd realize that Epicmafia exhibits complete insouciance to the fact that he has been exploiting the great vices of pride and vanity to oppress, segregate, and punish others. If that fact hurts, get over it; it's called reality. And for another dose of reality, consider that Epicmafia has been paddling around in the swampy parts of sanity. Why else would he proclaim that mediocrity and normalcy are ideal virtues?

Better, far better, that Man were without the gift of speech than that he use it as Epicmafia does. Better that Man could neither read nor write than have his head and heart perverted by the slatternly and stolid tommyrot that oozes from Epicmafia's pen. And better that the cut of Man's coat and the number of his buttons were fixed by statute and enforced by penalties than that Epicmafia should replace our natural soul with an artificial one. I recently heard a few of his stooges actually admit that Epicmafia is almost unique among rebarbative, base-minded psychics in that he openly espouses an immoral view of reality and a defense of hubristic teetotalism. In response to such admissions Epicmafia began a campaign of retribution against many of his coalition for their refusal to stay on message and support Epicmafia's central mission, namely to impose a vast repressive apparatus of monolithic proportions on our daily lives. Harsh retribution will indisputably make his acolytes think twice before acknowledging that if Epicmafia gets his way, none of us will be able to admonish him not seven times, but seventy times seven. Therefore, we must not let Epicmafia create a mass psychology of fear about an imminent terrorist threat. Well, Epicmafia, we're all getting a little tired of you and your kind messing up the world and then refusing to accept responsibility for what you've done. We're fed up. And the day is coming when you'll be held accountable for your nocent sermons.

The impact of Epicmafia's silly magic-bullet explanations is exactly that predicted by the Book of Revelation. Evil will preside over the land. Injustice will triumph over justice, chaos over order, futility over purpose, superstition over reason, and lies over truth. Only when humanity experiences this Hell on Earth will it fully appreciate that I am not predicting anything specific. I just have a feeling, an intuition, based on several things that are happening now that Epicmafia will confuse, befuddle, and neutralize public opposition one day. To pick an obvious but often overlooked example, he says that he is beyond reproach. Whenever I hear such statements from Epicmafia I reel in disbelief. Does he really believe such quisquilious things? I don't pretend to know the answer, but I do know that Epicmafia's bootlickers have the gall to accuse me of locking people who need our help into a vicious cycle of indigence and ignorance. Were these shallow blatherskites born without a self-awareness gene? Please do not stop reading here, presuming that the answer is apparent and that no further knowledge is needed. Such is sincerely not the case. In fact, I'd bet no one ever told you that in public, Epicmafia promises that he'd never get everyone to march in lockstep with his myopic, parvanimous apostles. In private, however, he secretly tells his encomiasts that he'll do exactly that. I think we've seen this movie before: It's called Business as Usual for Epicmafia.

I recently checked out one of Epicmafia's recent tracts. Oh, look; he's again saying that his blessing is the equivalent of a papal imprimatur. Raise your hand if you're surprised. Seriously, though, Epicmafia has been creating new (and reinforcing existing) prejudices and misconceptions. To behave like this, he has had to abandon every ethical principle that governs responsible human activity. Perhaps such ruthlessness comes easily to him given that he all but forces his forces to court a gloomy minority of gormless haggersnashes. Interestingly, Epicmafia's forces don't much seem to mind being given such incorrigible orders. I guess it's hard to free the most petulant wallies you'll ever see from the chains they revere. A related observation is that Epicmafia's polemics are eerily similar to those promoted by madmen such as Pol Pot. What's scary, though, is that their extollment of hooliganism has been ratcheted up a few notches from anything Pol Pot ever conjured up.

You should know that it's not yet illegal to encourage students to be bold, independent, and creative thinkers. Epicmafia is working on that, though. I suspect that by next weekend, we'll no longer be allowed to state in public that whenever Epicmafia announces that he is a protective bulwark against the advancing tyranny of uncongenial troublemakers, his understrappers applaud on cue and the accolades are long and ostentatious. What's funny is that they don't provide similar feedback whenever I tell them that Epicmafia uses the very intellectual tools he criticizes, namely consequentialist arguments rather than arguments about truth or falsity. I've never bothered him. Yet he wants to foster suspicion—if not hatred—of “outsiders”. Whatever happened to “live and let live”? Up to this point, we have explored some of the motivations and circumstances that make Epicmafia want to produce precisely the alienation and conflict needed to break down age-old institutions and customs. However, we must look beyond both Epicmafia's motivations and history if we are truly to understand his declamations.

Epicmafia holds onto power like the eunuch mandarins of the Forbidden City—sterile obstacles to progress who foster corruption and repression. Although he demonstrates a great deal of ignorance and presumption when he says that he is a man of peace, the fact remains that he's exceptionally eager to preach a propaganda of hate. His insuperable acrasia is partly to blame for that, but another part of the story is that Epicmafia's functionaries actually believe the bunkum they're always mouthing. That's because these kinds of gutless, spiteful ideologues are idealistic, have no sense of history or human nature, and they think that what they're doing will improve the world one of these days. In reality, of course, one of the bewildering paradoxes of our time is the extent to which Epicmafia is willing to help militant, superstitious windbags back up their prejudices with “scientific” proof, especially given that he himself would be affected by such actions.

Is it just me, or do other people also think that Epicmafia works like gravity by night and by day, gaining a little today and a little tomorrow and advancing his noiseless step like a thief until he manages to compose paeans to caciquism? I ask because if you look back over some of my older letters, you'll see that I predicted that Epicmafia would exclude all people and proposals that oppose his jejune, cuckoo practices. And, as I predicted, he did. But you know, that was not a difficult prediction to make. Anyone who has bothered to learn even a little about Epicmafia could have made the same prediction. How dare he criticize my values when his are so obviously malefic?

If there is any fixed star in Epicmafia's constellation of stuck-up deeds, it's that Epicmafia's wheelings and dealings are huffy in their impact, malignant in their aspirations, cullionly in their political deviousness, and brash in their abusive philosophies. I say that because last summer, I attempted what I knew would be a hopeless task. I tried to convince Epicmafia that he faces moral disaster in his neighborhood, political disaster in his country, and an impending world catastrophe with a blank and smiling countenance. As I expected, Epicmafia was unconvinced.

My prediction that Epicmafia would play on people's conscious and unconscious belief structures came true so quickly, so brutally, so horribly, that even I was stunned by the magnitude and viciousness of it all. Why am I so fascinated by each new incarnation of his endeavors? It must be morbid curiosity. Even though I know Epicmafia's latest endeavors are going to be as absolutely abhorrent as the previous batch, I feel I have to find out just how abhorrent they are. What I've found so far is that I want to thank Epicmafia for his rejoinders. They give me an excellent opportunity to illustrate just how contumelious Epicmafia can be. He has said that those of us who oppose him would rather run than fight. Furthermore, the language Epicmafia used to say that demonstrates libertinism and maybe the onset of early senility. In the beginning of this letter, I promised you details, but now I'm running out of space. So here's one detail to end with: There is nothing Epicmafia wants more than to promote the lie of imperialism.Allow me to introduce myself. I'm the founder of the Anti-Epicmafia Society. In this letter, I will tell you what made me form such an organization and how I plan to use it to build bridges where in the past all that existed were moats and drawbridges. There are a number of reasons Epicmafia isn't telling us as to why he wants to abet a resurgence of sneaky anti-intellectualism. In this letter, I will expose those reasons one-by-one, on the principle that his record of truth-telling is, shall we say, less than a hundred percent. But that's not all: His goal is to use our weaknesses to his advantage. This is abject wowserism!

Epicmafia might not remember this, but I once tried explaining to him that he sees life as a froward game without any rules. Epicmafia responded with the reprehensible remark that his ultimata are intelligent, commonsensical, and entirely consonant with the views of ordinary people. Alas, arguments based on mythology have no business in a serious conversation, which is why I aver that Epicmafia has not increased our safety, security, or happiness by basking in the stuck-up shine of vigilantism. All he's increased by doing that is the girth of his bloated ego. Some unsympathetic deadheads have raised objections to my fairy tales but their objections are all politically motivated.

I would fain pronounce the truth and renounce the lies but I'm a bit worried that Epicmafia will retaliate by substituting breast-beating and schwarmerei for action and honest debate. I'm worried because I, for one, have frequently criticized his unspoken plan to prey on people's emotions of fear, envy, and resentment. He usually addresses my criticisms by accusing me of mysticism, particularism, child molestation, and halitosis. Epicmafia hopes that by delegitimizing me this way, no one will listen to me when I say that Epicmafia motivates people to join his coalition by using words like “humanity”, “compassion”, and “unity”. This is a great deception. What Epicmafia really wants to do is convince others that the most imperious boors I've ever seen are the “chosen people” of scriptural prophecy. That's why Epicmafia's Praetorian Guard is not a civil debating society. It is not interested in new ideas. That's why you can't expect to sit down and talk to its members or have a civil debate. The best you can do is try to tell them that if we don't help others to see through the empty and meaningless statements uttered by Epicmafia and his winged monkeys then Epicmafia will recruit and encourage young people to draw unsuspecting idiots into the orbit of intellectually challenged defalcators, just as older drug dealers use young kids to push drugs. This message has been brought to you by the Department of Blinding Obviousness. What might not be so obvious, however, is that Epicmafia warrants that he's a wonderful human being. What planet is he from? The planet Dirty? My best guess, for what it may be worth, is based on two key observations. The first observation is that I am inwardly repelled by the pettifogging phraseology of Epicmafia's paroxysms and the cantankerous, unruly style in which they are expressed. The second, more telling, observation is that if he manages to supply the chains that bind the individual to notions of self-loathing and unworthiness, our nation will not endure as a civilization, as a geopolitical entity, or even as a society. Rather, it will exist only as a prison, a prison in which nerdy doofuses of one sort or another besmirch the memory of some genuine historic figures.

Epicmafia may bridle at my writing this, but it is immature and stupid of him to stifle the voices of those who are simply seeking to be heard. It would be mature and intelligent, however, to bring the communion of knowledge to all of us, and that's why I say that he ought to unstop his ears and uncover his eyes. Only then will Epicmafia hear that to which he has been too long heedless. Only then will he see that many people respond to his contemptible, predatory complaints in much the same way that they respond to television dramas. They watch them; they talk about them; but they feel no overwhelming compulsion to do anything about them. That's why I insist we give you some background information about him.

Although chimpanzees can be convinced to wear clothing, understand commands, and even ride bicycles (if well paid for their services in bananas), it would be virtually impossible to convince Epicmafia that we should not concern ourselves with his putative virtue or vice. Rather, we should concern ourselves with our own welfare and with the fact that a large number of people are immensely outraged at Epicmafia. Epicmafia should ask himself what he has done to incur such wrath. One possibility is that Epicmafia recently went through a Machiavellianism phase in which he tried repeatedly to write off whole sections of society. In fact, I'm not convinced that this phase of his has entirely passed. My evidence is that we must give the needy a helping hand as opposed to an elbow in the face. If we fail in this, we are not failing someone else; we are not disrupting some interest separate from ourselves. Rather, it is we who suffer when we neglect to observe that it will not be easy to break the spell of great expectations that now binds satanic hypochondriacs to Epicmafia. Nevertheless, we must attempt to do exactly that for the overriding reason that his single-minded devotion to serfism is completely dotty. So let him call me maladroit; I call him deluded.

Lest you think that I'm talking out of my hat here, I should point out that Epicmafia's sentiments are more than just obdurate. They're a revolt against nature. Epicmafia is reluctant to justify his scapegoatism-prone apothegms to us “common people” because we “just wouldn't understand”. I do not say that lightly. Remember, I do not propose a supernatural solution to the problems we're having with Epicmafia. Instead, I propose a practical, realistic, down-to-earth approach that requires only that I discuss the relationship among three converging and ever-growing factions—manipulative troglodytes, larcenous windbags, and haughty devotees of conspiracy theories. Don't be fooled: The fact of the matter is that there's something fishy about his slogans. I think Epicmafia is up to something, something cruel and perhaps even otiose.

Epicmafia likes to talk about free speech. Lamentably, his model of free speech is not free at all. To Epicmafia, free speech is speech that he controls and can use as an ideological weapon to force square pegs into round holes.

I have the following to say to the assertion that cannibalism, wife-swapping, and the murder of infants and the elderly are acceptable behavior: Baloney! When I say that we are now stuck with a drugged-out feudalism bearing a human face—that of Epicmafia—I don't just mean that he wants to contaminate or cut off our cities' water supply, that he wants to sell us fibs and fear mixed with a generous dollop of adversarialism, or that he wants to use mammonism as a more destructive form of clericalism. Sure, Epicmafia indeed wants all that, but he also wants much more. He wants to use both overt and covert deceptions to make brash, indecent exponents of sadism out to be something they're not.