Epicmafia

Ok, so since last few days I've stir up few things, I feel like making this thread. As an introduction I want to say that 100% is true (at least fmpov). You probably won't believe me, but trust my, the position on this site I am in- I really don't feel like lying anymore.

What is this thread and why I made it?

Basically few words about how I feel and explanation about my behaviour. Why? I am doing this thread mostly for myself. I feel like I went too far last days and something that, at the begining, was fun for me, became something I feel bad about. This isn't "hey open your eyes, people!" thread nor it is about me trying to look better. I just feel like I owe an explanation to some people.

Tophy issue

What people think is I care a lot about my trophy and I became cocky after getting it. Neither of that is true, at least not anymore. Getting the trophy was my goal since I'd joined comp lobby. I used to really care about it and I wanted to prove to myself that I can do it. However, things changed after I got it. It appears I cared about getting a trophy, not having it. After I trophied, I felt burned out and stop caring about this site. I think many people confused me, poop posting on forums and trolling people to think I care about my trophy, with being cocky. My trophy doesn't matter to me at all and if I implied it (and I did, many times) it was pure trolling you guys. I achieved it, I felt satisfied, but it also put an end to me caring about this site.

My skill issue

I am not dellusional like pranay and I know I suck. Trust me, when someone has about 10% success in hammering mafia on lylo, he can't think good of himself. One thing I think I am good at is playing as mafia. That's it. This is pretty much the same as trophy stuff - I pretended to act like I am the best, because it used to people off and it was amusing me, sort of. I never thought of myself as of a good player. One more thing about my skill - I (still) feel like people went to harsh on me, just because I am PandaClaus. I had few nice runs on, what you call, decent setups. I remember some people, playing with me. When I lost the game they kept sayin how much I suck. When I won it for them (sometimes) they were absolutely quiet.

My attitude

This is the tough part, since it changed a lot. I'll divide it into 3: a) before getting a trophy: the only mistake I've made and I feel bad about it, is to care too much what people say. I knew I suck but I hated when someone else told me that. I cared to much about how people perceive me in general. One thing people should get - I was never the one starting fights. I generaly liked all people. Sure, I sometimes said "you suck", we all do that. But I never made it personal. However, if someone started to attack me, it was hard for me to back off.

b) after trophy: as I said, I was burnt off. I didn't see a purpose for me on this site anymore. I stoped caring about peoples opinion, that's why I started to arguing more on forums. Before I was rather a friendly (or at least not mean) troll. I feel like roles swapped. People who probably were calling me bad for their amusement (to see how mad I get) became the ones I trolled. I kept repeating how good I am or that I have gold trophy, so shut up. I actually didn't mean any of those things, it was amusing for me how some people overreacted to that.

c) last few days - I feel embarassed about my posting. It was purely to people off (usually same people that in point b). In games I was trying to impersonate Shivv (pretty bad job, I admit) on forums I was just spewing insults towards others.

Explanations to some people

Mostly people I argued with lately. Let me just point out that I don't dislike any of you and I respect all of you. There are 3 people I dislike, not going to post their names, but none of you is in this group. So:

Shacky/Slow/ System - Put all 3 of you here, since the issue is pretty much the same. I used to dislike the fact you call me bad after 1 or 2 games. That was in Shackys and Slows case, at least. I'd be ok if it was only in game comments, but you brought it to the forums, which, in my opinion, was not cool of you. Shacky, I think you are not as good as people say, but you are a decent player. You and Slow are probably the best mods this site had.
Jackhammer - I remember we joined the site at pretty much same time and we were sort of buddies at the begining. Then I moved to comp and you stayed in training for more time. I am happy for you becoming a mod and getting respect and stuff. One think I dislike about you is that you started to mock me (saying I suck and don't deserve a trophy) before even talking to me or playing with me. Other from that, I like you.
Rutab - tbh you inspired me to make this thread, because I felt like things got too personal. I used to call you bad in some games but it was a joke, I never really considered you a bad player. I think you are one of the nicest people on EM and I am genuinely sorry about talking bad about you.
soda17 - same thing, I feel like the stuff got too personal. I never considered you a bad player, you probably remember days when I used to consider you very good. I feel like you sometimes were douche to me, joining my games just to prove I suck. Apart from that, you are ok. You usually don't start fights with people, I respect that.
Shivv. One thing. He was the only person I really trolled. And I mean hard. I used to do it, because of his fun reactions and how much he was pissed. He's also the only person I excused for talking trash about me, since I gave him hard times too. That's why I gave my account to him. As, what can you call, apology.
other people - if I forgot someone, sorry. Let me just say, I was really a positive person at the begining and I think most of you can confirm that. If I said something bad about you, I most likely didn't mean it. Sorry for that but if I acted like a douche to you I was either trolling or just being mad at the moment. I realize this is not an excues though.

Side notes

I gave my account to Shivv in August. He revealed it in November, I think. If someone got trolled in August-November, let it be known it was Shivv already
as for my insulting profile - it was meant purely to troll. I know it's not an excuse. Just wanted to say I didn't mean any of those things, maybe except circlejerk, which I still believe is bad.
as for infamous HI - as much as I don't care about people insulting my trophy, I am fully satisfied with trophying on HI. I like this setup and I don't consider it bad, but that's only my opinion.
one thing I want to point out. It seems like community likes to attack one person at the time. Arcbell experienced it, so did Jericho and, kind of, Vancy. The attitude "it's funny to bash people as long as it's not me" is bad, since you can be the one bashed some day.

I am locking this thread, because it's not ment to stir up a discussion or w/e. I will respond to 2 possible reactions I can think of:

a) "He keeps repeating how much he doesn't care, yet he made a few paragraph post". I felt like I can't explain some things without going back. As I said, this is mostly for me, because I felt bad about my latest posts. I really don't care about reception of this thread nor about how am I perceived after posting this.

b) "You still suck" - I know.

c) "Don't think I'll forget about what you've done just by making this thread" - I am not expecting any sort of redemption whatsoever. My basic excuse is I felt like trolling you guys, which is not a good excuse. I don't expect anything from this thread.

I think that's it, hopefully I made everything clear.