also i'll do some Epicmafia DLC three years too late and do real no holds barred opinions for any lost souls who still look at these forums (who i actually know)
Wow, holy shit, my rants last year were really attention-seeking. Gross. I guess I've at least improved a little? More... accepting of things, I guess. I'm on step five of the grieving process!
I'm not sure if all of this helped. I think I want to write about other things I'm passionate about, but that scale is very limited. Mostly just the game of the month that I'm into, or about my dumb brain. But eh, who knows when the next time I'll log into Epicmafia is. I'll probably have something to write about then.
It's rough, it really is. And change isn't something that's going to happen out of the blue, most likely, nor do I have the effort and willpower to change them myself. Depression is a vicious cycle that pretty much actively works to maintain itself and prevent healing, and I'm simply not strong enough to break out of it or do something to help.
But... that's okay, I guess. It's never been so bad where I've hurt myself, nor will I ever kill myself. Which is partially out of apathy and fear of death more than anything else, but whatever works, right? At least I've got some room to go in either direction.
Which is sort of why I'm feeling the worst right now. Been at home for a few weeks due to winter break, but with school still looming around the corner. Worst of both worlds.
But I'll live. I even have an anime I'm excited about premiering in about a week, so I have something to actively look forward to for a few months, which is a helluva lot better than usual. I'm searching for a job on campus to make some pocket money and give me something to do for a while, so that could be good for me, if I get hired.
On the other side of things, the pressure of good grades is bigger than ever, while I may only have three classes I pretty much need A's in all of them to keep my scholarship, and I need to do about thirty hours of community service for another scholarship. I still have no friends at school, nor do I foresee that changing this semester, unless some kind soul decides to really reach out to me, which is unlikely.
I think there are two major things that hurt my mental state. Well, there are a lot more than two things, but there are two major, more or less unchangeable things. Being at home (as in, my home that my family lives in and I live during breaks and summer), and being in school. I know, I know, I'm a college teenager. Those are the two places I go to. I'm just saying everything I do hurts my mental state.
Which is true, but not what I mean this time.
I mean, being at home... just isn't pleasant. I can't put my finger on it exactly. A combination of not getting along well with my family, nostalgia, and the limited, restrictive feeling it gives. As of now while I can't drive, if I'm at home, I'm at home. That's it.
On the flip side, school... school is awful. I'm just not cut out for it, the only reason I still go to college is because a good job would be nice. And I don't know what I'd do if I wasn't in it. But I have a minimal, near non-existent work ethic, I lack passion for my degree (or any degree), I'm antisocial, borderline anthropophobic.
I've really been in a rut lately. Need to get my thoughts out in words and I still can't think of a better place to do it than here, which is... probably sad? I don't have an Epicmafia presence anymore, not that I had a massive one to begin with. I guess that's why I feel comfortable venting here, because it's mostly people who only vaguely know me, but not well.
Plus, it's interesting to read the only things I said here. I'd like to be able to say I exceeded my expectations, fixed my problems, generally improved my life, but... eh. New year, same me. As usual. Which is pretty interesting, when I think about how much of my life I change on a regular basis.
